Whats the difference between marmalade and jam?
You cant tell your boss to " marmalade his job up his a$$!"
A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his arse while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected on this subject.
A Father's Day Prayer.
"Dear God,
Please send clothes for all those poor ladies on Dads computer.
Amen."
and
Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him . . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the Doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'
SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!
Life is too short......drink more beer today!
A guy visits his friend who had an accident on his leg. He arrives at the house and aks him how he is going.
"well not too bad, I can walk slowly but I can't climb the stairs yet".
"By the way, could you go upstair and get my sleepers for me ?"
His friend goes upstairs to his bedroom and find his friend's girlfriend with her sister chatting. He looks at them and says: "your boyfriend just told me to come up and make love with you two".
The girls reply: "Ah yeah? Prove it !"
So the guy just step in the corridor and shouts: "Both of them ?"
And the guy dowstairs to reply: "Of course both of them, what's the point of****** just one ?"
An Irishman takes his goldfish to the vet thinkings it's got epilepsy.
The vet says "It looks calm enough to me"
Paddy replies, " I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet"
A paraprosdokian (from Greek "#960;#945;#961;#945;-", meaning "beyond" and "#960;#961;#959;#963;#948;#959;#954;#943;#945;", meaning "expectation") is a figure of speech <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Figure_of_speech>; in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax <en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anticlimax>; . For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.
Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning <en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_meaning>; of a particular word, creating a syllepsis <en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Syllepsis>; .
? I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
? Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
? I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
? Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
? The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
? Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
? If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
? We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
? War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
? Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
? The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
? Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
? To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
? A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
? How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
? Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
? Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
? I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
? A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
? Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
? I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
? I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
? Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
? Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
? Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
? A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
? You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
? The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
? Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
? A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
? Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
? Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
? I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
? Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
? There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
? I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
? I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
? When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
? You're never too old to learn something stupid.
? To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
? Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
? Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
? A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
? If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
? Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
little Jonny is in class. The teacher says "I am going to say some phrases related to famous people, if you can answer who they are then that person can have an early mark" "First 1, who said I have a dream?" litlle jonny raises his hand, but wendy rudely anwers and says "Martin Luther King!" The teacher says "correct Wendy, you may go home." "Next phrase, who said, Ask not what your country, can do for you, but what you can do for your country?" Little jonny raises his hand immediately yet is cut off by Lucy who yells out "JFK!" The teacher says correct Lucy, you may have the rest of the day off. Little jonny mutters" I wish those bitches would keep their ****in mouths shut" The teacher turns in disgust and demands "who said that!" Little jonny replies "Tiger Woods, see you all tomorrow!" 
The Red Cross knocked on my door this morning and asked if I would contribute to the flood victims in Pakistan.
I told them I'd love to, but my garden hose only reaches to the end of the driveway........
Young visitor today asked me what the straps on my board were for. I said, "they're to put my feet in".
He looked at me very carefully, then replied, "but you haven't got 3 feet".
Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a
Final flourish he hurls his flat cap onto a pile of hay.
"What the feck are you doing Mick?" says Paddy.
"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me", says an obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do
Something sexy to a tractor".
Q: How do you know the tooth brush was invented in Collingwood?
A: Cause if it was invented anywhere else they would have called it a teeth brush.
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.”
— George Burns
A redneck family is visiting a big city for the first time.
The father and son are in the hotel lobby when they spot an elevator.
“What’s that, Paw?” the boy asked.
“I ain’t never did see nothin’ like that in my life,” replied the father.
Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cane, waits for the doors to open, and gets in.
The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.
They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde.
The father looks at his son and says, “Go get your Maw!”
Little Johnny asked his Mom the meaning of two words that some mean kids at school were using - Pussy and Bitch.
Mom inhaled sharply, but then said, "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little moonbeam.
A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy."
Johnny said, "Thanks, Mom."
He then went outside and found his Dad in the garage. Johnny said, "Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand."
"What words, son?"
"Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meanings."
Dad said, "Son, never ask your mother about these things. Ask me instead. Let me explain it like this."
He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold, and drew a circle around the pubic area. He then said to Johnny, "Son, everything inside the circle is pussy."
"Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?"
Dad replied, "Everything outside the circle."
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload
of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the Blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'
And the Blonde entered Heaven...
A female dwarf goes to the gynaecologist and says "oh doctor please help me, I've had a terrible itch on the outside of my girls parts for a fortnight now and it is driving me crazy!"
The gynae gets her up on the table and has a quick look up her skirt and says "Oh I see the problem. I'll fix it up quick smart"
The midget hears "Snip, Snip........ Snip, Snip" but she feels nothing at all.
She gets up off the table and feels immediate relief
"Oh doctor, that is amazing... it is completely gone!! What did you do?"
The doctor replies
"I cut the tops off your ugg boots......."
There is a beggar dole bludger who hangs out in the mall.
Said to me today " Any change mate?"
"Nah you are still an ugly fat bludger!"
