Two apples are rolling down the hill. One apple turns to the other and says, "so, where do you live?"
The other apple replies, "I'm not telling you, you'll steal my washing..."

(abbreviated as I can't be arsed typing it all out)

The Inflatable Balloon family consisted of Mummy Balloon Daddy kite and Boy Balloon.

Boy Balloon turns 9 years old and daddy Balloon sat him down and said son it's time you slept in your own bed, your getting too big to fit into ours.

First night Boy Balloon wakes up to the mother of all storms and runs to his parents bedroom and tries to squeeze in but he can't fit, petrified, he panics as he can't join them so he comes up with a cunning plan.

He sneaks over to Daddy Balloon and lets a little air out from the nozzle at his arse and tries to squeeze in to bed, but still can't fit

So he sneaks over to his mothers side and lets a little air out of her nozzle, but finds he still can’t fit in ..

So he runs to the bathroom looks in the mirror and lets some of his own air out - finally he fits in the bed and crawls in...

Boy balloon wakes up the morning to see mum and dad balloon just standing over him

“Son”, says dad balloon “I can't tell you how disappointed we are in you “

“Is it really that bad?” boy balloon asks

“Well son” father balloon says with a big sigh, “ not only have you let both me and your mother down, you’ve let yourself down as well”.....

why did the chicken cross the road??




because it lived on the other side.

last weekend i went to the world strawberry picking championchips, it was a close thing, but in the end a woman with no legs won, jammy c**t.

Three guys walk into a bar.

You'd think the third guy would have seen it.

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It drove down the road and turned into a field.

Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Why did the 2nd Koala fall out of the tree?

Because it got hit by the first Koala.

Why did the 3rd Koala fall out of the tree?

Because it thought it was a game.


Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.


Little boy blue.............
Because he needed the money.

Hey, these are supposed to be lame jokes, and some are bloody funny

lame joke:

Q: What's yellow and smells like bananas?

A: Monkey vomit.

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian
coast.


He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a
knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the
old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some

news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news,
and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in
the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was
dead.' The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and
has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together
and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your
wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of
nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and
all that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill
here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over
there and pull her up again!

there was this couple , Rastus and Liza .
One day Rastus came home from work and
couldn`t find Liza anywhere . He looked in the
back shed " Liza , are you in here ? " no reply .
he looked through house yelling " Liza , are you
in here ? " still no reply . around the side of the house
and into the patio area " Liza , where are you ? " no reply .
He`s getting pretty pissed off now and walks back into the
house and gives one hell of a yell and with full of aggression
he screems , " LIZA , WHEN I FIND YOU I`M GUNNA F**k YOU ! "
Suddenly he heres this little giggle , " I`m under the bed Rastus " .

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .












'What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!'

No the answer is "God doesn't think he is a ski instructor"

ski instructors have a licence ..
but so do dogs ..


it also could read ..

electricians have a licence ..
but so do dogs .

Q: How many ADD (ADHD?) kids does it take to change a lightglobe?



A: Dude, let's go skateboarding!!

did you hear about the guy who drowned in a bowl of meusli? i heard he was pulled under by a strong curent.