NATIONAL THREAT LEVELS

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats in Afghanistan and have raised their security level from
"Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet
again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Brits have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody
Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France
are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent
fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing
the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy
has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two
higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to
"BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the Air force being a
squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some
toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more
level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come and
rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to
gather together in a strategic defensive position called Bondi".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"
to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and
"The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has
warranted the use of the final escalation level.