There were once two racehorses. Their names were Ned and Ted, and they were the two fastest racehorses in the world. However, Ned was a bit faster than Ted, so he always won, while Ted came in second. Ned and Ted were best friends, they were like two peas in a pod, like two fish in a barrel, they were like this [crossed fingers gesture].

One day, after a race, Ned and Ted were at the watering hole. Ted came up to Ned and said "Ned, we're best friends, we're like two peas in a pod, like two fish in a barrel, we're like this [crossed fingers gesture]. How about one day, you let me win a race?". Ned thought about it for a moment and said "Sure, I'll let you win the next race."

Now it's the day of the race, and all the horses are in the starting gate. The gates open, and all the horses bolt out, Ned is in the lead with Ted just behind him. Then Ned thinks to himself, Oh yeah, I'm supposed to let Ted win today. Ned slows down a bit, and lets Ted take the lead. Ned keeps thinking to himself Y'know, Ted and I are best friends, we are like two peas in a pod, like two fish in a barrel, we are like this [crossed fingers gesture], but I've never lost a race before. Why should I start now?. Ned bolts ahead and wins the race by a nose.

After the race, all the horses are at the watering hole. Ted comes up to Ned and says "What happened, man? I thought we were best friends, I thought we were like two peas in a pod, like two fish in a barrel, we were like this [crossed fingers gesture]. Why did you break your promise to me?" Ned replies with "I'm so sorry Ted, we are like two peas in a pod, like two fish in a barrel, we are like this [crossed fingers gesture], I don't know what came over me. Please forgive me, I'll let you win the next race." Ted says "Of course I forgive you, Ned, see you later."

Now it's the day of the next race, and all the horses are in the starting gate. The gates open, and all the horses bolt out, except Ned. Ned is fulfilling his promise to his best friend. All the other other horses are going around the second bend, and Ned thinks to himself Y'know, Ted and I are best friends, we are like two peas in a pod, like two fish in a barrel, we are like this [crossed fingers gesture], but I've never lost a race before. Why should I start now?. Ned bolts out of the starting gate and beats everyone else by a long shot.

After the race, all the horses are at the watering hole. Ted comes up to Ned and says "What happened, man? I thought we were best friends, I thought we were like two peas in a pod, like two fish in a barrel, we were like this [crossed fingers gesture]. Why did you break your promise to me again?" Ned replies with "I'm so sorry Ted, we are like two peas in a pod, like two fish in a barrel, we are like this [crossed fingers gesture], I don't know what came over me. Please forgive me, I'll let you win the next race. In fact, if I break my promise again, you never have to talk to me again." Ted says "Of course I forgive you, Ned, see you later."

As Ned leaves the watering hole, he notices that the next race is the Kentucky Derby...

Now it's the day of the Kentucky Derby, and all the horses are in the starting gate. Ted says to Ned "Are you going to let me win this one?". Ned responds "Of course, we are two peas in a pod, two fish in a barrel, we are like this [crossed fingers gesture]. I'll never lie to you again." The gates open, and all the horses bolt out, except Ned. Ned throws his jockey from his back and breaks his own leg. The other horses are all rounding the second bend, and Ned thinks to himself, Y'know, Ted and I are best friends, we are like two peas in a pod, like two fish in a barrel, we are like this [crossed fingers gesture], but I've never lost a race before. And I've never been in the Kentucky Derby before. I wanna win!. Ned gets back up, pulls his jockey onto his back, and, using his three good legs, bolts around the track and beats everyone else by a long shot.

After the race, all the horses are at the watering hole. Ted is at the watering hole bar (fancy Kentucky Derby watering hole!). The bartender says to Ted, "What's wrong? You look sad.". Ted says, "I don't know what to do about my best friend. We were best friends, like two peas in a pod, two fish in a barrel, we were like this [crossed fingers gesture], but now he's lied to me three times!" Ned walks up to the bar and says "I'm so sorry, Ted! I don't know why I do these things, can we put this all behind us? I want to be like two peas in a pod, like two fish in a barrel, I want to be like this [crossed fingers gesture]!" Ted fulfills his promise and says nothing to Ned.

Then a dog walks up to the bar and says "I'll have one beer, please". Ted jumps back and yells "Oh my God! It's a talking dog!".

Panda...it was me that red thumbed ya for that one!

That's 5mins of my life I'll never get back!

At least I only read the last line and skipped the "boring bits". Oh wait... lol

Slight of Hand

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend? To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

There's no charge,' she says.

No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

So I just switched the heads.'




(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!)