Watermate said..
...I really want to get into kiting...
That implies you are not "into kiting" already. First thing is to not worry too much about what you can't do. It's all new to you now and you won't have practiced enough to acquire the skills to do things easily. It's a common thing for newbies to say "I can't do ....! Help!". Just do it more and it will all come with time.
Being a fat guy might be complicating things for you. You might want to practice at home in the living room, or the back yard, and make sure you are physically able to contort your body to get your feet on the board.