Being an Aussie Forum there's as always a lot of good natured Kiwi Jokes.

I lived in the UK for a while and worked on building sites making me the hot target for Aussie jokes. I heard some beauties, not many editable even for a public forum.

The confusing part for the Poms, Scots, Welsh, Cornish etc etc was that I loved them and laughed the hardest at their attempts to humiliate me. I even told people ones I knew when they started.

So, if you've got any, let's here them. I won't be offended and I'm sure others won't either.

Here's a small very average one to get us started:

What's an Aussie guys version of foreplay? 'Brace yourself Sheila'.......

An Aussie and a Kiwi are working on a farm.. The kiwi spots a sheep with its head stuck in a fence and takes full advantage of the situation .. He yells out to the Aussie. Hey bro come and have a go at this.. The Aussie replies. nah mate not interested.. Kiwi says cm-on mete its unreel no ones watching.. Aussie still says hes not that keen.. after a bit more persuasion the Aussie gives in and walks down to where the kiwi is.. bends over and jams his head in the fence

Kinda hard to write that joke but its fun to tell..

A little OT.. But funny just the same.............
Where abouts would you find the curliest hair on a woman????? FIJI

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :


My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that
you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't
be upset----I shall be home before midnight.




When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

logs said...

when i was trying to enter australia for the first time the gentlemen at immigration asked me if i had any criminal convictions?

criminal convictions? i replied, i didn't know you still needed one to get in.....

Classic.......... I love the convict jokes.

My favourite one in return for them when in England was 'yep, how clever are you guys eh, send all of the bad people somewhere beautiful and stay in this cold, overcrowded, miserable place yourselves only to have us come back and beat you at all of your favourite sports, genius!'

Troymate said...

There was a Cuban, a Frenchman, a Canadian and an Aussie riding the Seventh Heaven Express chair in Whistler, Canada...

The Cuban pulls out a big cuban cigar from his pack, lights it up, takes one puff, and throws it away. The others go "Man, why did you just take one puff and throw it away?" The Cuban responds - "In Cuba, we have so many cigars, that I always take just one puff, and throw it away"

The Frenchman pulls out a bottle of french champagne, pops the cork, takes one sip, and throws the bottle away. The others go "Man, why dide you take just one sip and throw the bottle away?" The Frenchie responds - "In France, we have so much champagne that I take just one sip from the bottle, and throw it away."

Not to be outdone, the Canadian pulls out his stash from his bag, lights one up, takes a puff, and throws the Aussie off the lift.

Too true!

seabreeze standup paddle forum....

The Warriors Broncos Game last night go Kiwis

Q. How come the Kiwis haven`t been to space yet

A. Because they ran out of scaffold

CMC said...

theDoctor said...




seabreeze standup paddle forum....

Do you have a cure for people who just want to smile all day?

punch on the nose??

Whats the difference between jam and marmalade

Oh my.......

Don't know whether to laugh or really take the topic downhill until the whole thread gets deleted??

Hahaha

Two lady terrorists are in a backpack shop, one turns to the other and says 'does my bomb look big in this?'

CMC said...

A Tweed Heads woman had been missing for a week. There was a full scale search, all local waterways, parks etc have been searched.

On the 7th day the Police knocked at her husbands door. "Good evening Sir, we have some good and bad news regarding your wife, which would you like first?"

The husband a little confused agrees to hear the bad first and he figures it's always better to have something to look forward to.

'Well, we found your wife just off the back of Cook Island dead in the water, when we pulled her up she had 3 lobsters, an octopus and 4 crabs attached to her body'

Even more confused and very upset the husband now says "Well what's the good news?"

'We're pulling her up again tomorrow!"

good one

One for my Kiwi friends........
The grade 4 teacher is asking all the students what their fathers do for work. Jenny's dad is a doctor, Tommy's dad is a fireman etc etc. Finally the teacher asks little Johnny what his dad does. Little Johnny stands up and says "My dad is a pole dancer in a gay club". Shocked, the teacher asks Johnny to stay back after class. After class she asks Johnny "Is that what your dad does really?" Johnny says "No but I was too ashamed to say he plays for the wallabies."

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.