Top 100 Facts for Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one
fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was
replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save
the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm
escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck
Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the **** he wants.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility
of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the
courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win
the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out
of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card
from the game Uno.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain,
the cobra died.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when
they touch his body.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to
spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around
awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid
of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris divides by zero.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death
can process them.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back
of the face.
Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never ****s
up.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris
you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow
on steel.
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even
glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the
man ate a ****ing Indian.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds
you have left to live.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but
Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's ****ing beef.
Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the
people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck
Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and
wins.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck
Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
Chuck Norris' wristwatch has no numbers on it. It just says, "Time to kick
ass."
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris
will not take **** from anyone.
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a
wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in
order to legally wear pants.
Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff.
Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings.
He declined because, "Only a ***** would need three movies to destroy a
piece of jewelery."
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean
"kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
The only thing Mr. T, Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris can agree on is that Tom
Cruise is a ******.
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month.
They bleed for a week as a result.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French
surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of
***** Chuck Norris eats.
The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in
"Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give
Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't
real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
There are no weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in
Oklahoma.
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.
Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.
Chuck Norris was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. His job involved
calling up criminals and saying, "This is Chuck Norris."
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck
Norris' roundhouse kick.
When Superman squeezes a lump of coal, he creates a diamond. When Chuck
Norris squeezes a lump of coal, he creates an African child to work in his
diamond mines.
Chuck Norris used to beat the **** out of his shadow because it was
following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
The Jihadists are pissed because they can no longer tell their recruits to
expect 73 virgins in heaven. The best they can do now is 73 women who have
already had sex with Chuck Norris.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped
people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck
Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
When Chuck Norris breaks the law, the law doesn't heal.
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't
kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a
world with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And
then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the **** Chuck Norris is.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been
there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you
did not want it to happen.
Chuck Norris once gave Vin Diesel and friendly noogie. Vin's hair never
grew back.
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that
Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.
On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said,
"Chuck Norris was here."
Chuck Norris never loses a game of Clue despite the fact everyone knows
he's the murderer and used his foot to do it
Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during
sex, because they are doing the same thing.
When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not
permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for
your life.
The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This
amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.
Chuck Norris has only one hand: the upper hand.
Chuck Norris crossed the road. Nobody has ever dared question his motives.
Elvis left the building because Chuck Norris showed up and told him to get
the **** out.
Chuck Norris once partook in a pissing contest outside of a bar. His
opponent drowned.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror on a black cat under a ladder on Friday
the thirteenth. That was the day he won the lottery.
Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to
cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's
nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way,
Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one
simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.
ADD is not a disease. It's just impossible to focus when you know that
Chuck Norris could strike at any moment.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays
"hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns
the dark off.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a
mistake.
Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of
wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out
what happened to Barry.
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for
Chuck Norris.
When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."
