Dazza and Shazza getting ready for a night out.
Shaz: "Does this dress make me look fat?"
Daz: "First ya gotta promise not to get angry or ever mention what I say."
Shaz: "OK, I promise."
Daz: "I had sex with your sister."
I blew a load onto a $20 note folded it up and handed it to the first person I saw on the street and said
"Here have 20 bucks I've just come into some money"
A good news story.
In 1986, Mike Membre was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Membre approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Membre worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Membre stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Membre never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Membre was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Membre and his son Cantri were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Membre, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Membre couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Membre summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Membre's legs and raised him high into the air and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
An 85-year-old man was told by his Doctor to have a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sample tomorrow."The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'The doctor was shocked and said, "You asked your neighbor?"The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open"
I decided to accept a low-paid but stress-free job as a greeter at Bunnings.
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, and inappropriately dressed woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been trained, I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome." I then said, "Nice children you have there ........ are they twins?" The woman stopped yelling at the children and said, "Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s only 5 .............. why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just f@#king stupid?"
I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid ............. I just couldn't believe someone would f@#k you twice"
My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this type of work.
What do IKEA and Barnaby Joyce have in common?
One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.
Q. How do you create a small business?
A. Start with a big business then vote for Bill Shorten.
After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked in a mirror, remembering her time with Bill Clinton. Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help... "God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed...
And just like that, HER EARS FELL OFF! Touching story, don't you think....
Q. How do you create a small business?
A. Start with a big business then vote for Bill Shorten.
how do you bankrupt a country..?
Run up record dept then offer tax cuts as voting bribes ...
that is a joke ..
An 80-year-old man is having a drink in a bar. Suddenly a gorgeous woman enters and sits down a few seats away. The woman is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, she notices him staring and approaches him.
She looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "For $100 I'll do anything you'd like ............... anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams .............................. it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is ................ I'm game .............. there's only one condition"
Stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words"
The old fellow takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand .............. looks her square in the eyes and says slowly and clearly "Paint my house."
The cowboy and the genie
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sands,
certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an
object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to
be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service
ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook.
She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how it works.
You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor."
But, like he's a goner anyway so he thinks about this for a minute,
and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
He is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is to be rich beyond my wildest dreams."
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with
rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.
Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says,
"I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
Any time the government offers you something
?you can bet there's going to be a string attached.... "
Chris and James are in the pub when a well-dressed man enters and orders a beer. The two blokes speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Chris: - I reckon he's an accountant.
James: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Chris: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until Chris makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and several beers get the better of Chris ...
Chris: - 'Scuse me .... no offence meant, but me and me mate was wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Chris: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Chris: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Chris: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Chris: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Chris: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built it meself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that youhaven't built it just for yourself and that you
are quite probably married?
Chris: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Chris:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Chris: - Me? Never!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Chris: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have,the size of house, your family and your sex life!
Chris: - I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.
James: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chris: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
James: - What's that then?
Chris: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
James: - Nope.
Chris: - Well then ....... you're a w@nker.
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ' ****! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'
****! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Aussie says, 'I am very curious.Tell me more about this wall, mate.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Aussie sits down on his Esky, cracks a beer, rolls himself a cigarette, smiles and says:
'Fill it with water.'
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Kentucky duck. This duck's from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain't no Tennessee duck. This here duck's from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin' license?"Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly "Just where the hell are you from?"The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said "You tell me, you're the expert!!"
On a bitterly cold morning in Canberra, Malcom is being chauffeured to Parliament House. It is so cold that Lake Burley Griffin has frozen over.
As he jumps out of the Caprice (BMW), Malcom looks over the Lake & notices that someone has "peed" on the ice & left a message,
Malcom is enraged & orders ASIO to investigate with "no expenses spared" & to report within two weeks.
Two weeks later, the head of ASIO reports to the PM & says "our investigation is over & I have three pieces of news for you....good news, bad news & terribly bad shocking news".
Well says Malcom, give me the good news. The head of ASIO says "We spent $5 million dollars on the investigation & have come to a successful result".
Well says Malcom what's the bad news?
The head of ASIO says "The DNA testing shows the urine is ScoMo's".
Malcom is shocked beyond belief.
Looking pale, Malcom says " and what is the terribly bad shocking news?"
The ASIO chief replies " It's Michalia Cash's hand writing".
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
whats the smelliest thing in the world
a sardines fanny
An old lady went to visit her dentist.
When it was her turn she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants and raised her legs.
The dentist said "Excuse me but I 'm not a gynecologist."
"I know," said the old lady "I want you to take my husband's teeth out."
My first and last day of being a car salesman.
A Chinese guy came in and started walking around a display model. He stopped at the front pointed and said "engine?"
Me "Yes sir, that's the engine, turbocharged 5 ltr V8, 600 bhp"
Customer after moving to the side of the car "Doors?"
Me "Yes sir those are the doors, auto locking, keyless entry, privacy glass".
Me "yes sir their is one on the left also, fitted with auto demisters for your safety".
Customer, pointing at the wheels "Wheels?"
Me "Yes sir those are 20 inch alloys with low profile European performance tyres"
He then moved to the rear of the car, pointed at the boot and said "Cargo space?"
Me "Yes sir, that's the boot"
Customer "No! Cargo space"
I just couldn't help myself
Me: "Car no do that. Car no fly. Car no go space."
The next voice I heard was my manager, "In my office, now"
I've got this new German girlfriend.
She has the funny habit of giving me a score out of 10 every time we have sex.
Last night I decided to spice things up with some anal action.
She was yelling "9! 9!! 9!!!"
Highest score I've got yet.
Q: How does a French woman hold her liquor?
A: By the ears
A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One transfers to another city and they're lost without him.
A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?"
No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says. "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay".
She's there at 6:30 a.m.Sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.
They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth.""When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude.
From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"She says,
"Then, I'm fifteen minutes late
A joke about being fired from a jobcentre (centrelink) has been crowned the funniest joke of this year's Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Adam Rowe conquered the 11th annual Dave's Funniest Joke Of The Fringe award with the line: "Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for aminute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent."
Q: How do you know if someone's a vegan?
A: They tell you.
Q: How do you know if someone's a vegan?
A: They tell you.
Like lawyers and fighter pilots....
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'On the other side of the river near the Parliament car park in Canberra.'
'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc.
'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an arsehole with a briefcase.
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) that protocol decrees,
the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to **** off."