Humour Appreciation Thread

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Zac
Zac
WA
91 posts
Zac Zac
WA, 91 posts
6 Aug 2004 1:13pm
THERE WERE THESE TWO TARTS DISCUSSING HOW BIG A NIGHT THEY HAD WHEN ONE OF THEM SAID "MY MOUTH FEELS LIKE THE BOTTOM OF A BIRD CAGE"
THE OTHER GIRL SAID "THAT DOESN'T SUPRISE ME, YOU HAD A COCK OR TWO LAST NIGHT"
Fieldie
Fieldie
WA
361 posts
WA, 361 posts
6 Aug 2004 7:58pm
Dreadfull Zac! I'm suprised Laurie hasn't dragged that one!!!!

True Story...


One day out in the Texas panhandle, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black Lab just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.

Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him
so cheap?"

"He's a stuffing liar. He didn't do any of that sh#t he said he did."
poor relative
poor relative
WA
9106 posts
WA, 9106 posts
6 Aug 2004 9:10pm
The Tax Office sends their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi, and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way. "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases?
What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a whole box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?" "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick like you."
poor relative
poor relative
WA
9106 posts
WA, 9106 posts
6 Aug 2004 9:15pm
you just gotta laugh......


A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect,they end up
leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment,she
notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy
bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,cuddly
medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on
the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would
have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but
she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by
his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off
and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying
there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?"

The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
poor relative
poor relative
WA
9106 posts
WA, 9106 posts
12 Aug 2004 11:10am

bored bored bored




>In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his
>wisdom.
>
>One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to
>him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about
>one of your students?"
>
>"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to
>pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
>
>"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
>
>"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my
>student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The
>first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are
>about to tell me is true?"
>
>"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
>
>"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or
>not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what
>you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
>
>"No, on the contrary ...".
>
>"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him,

>even though you're not certain it's true?".
>
>The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued." You may
>still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the
filter
>of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be

>useful to me?"
>
>"No, not really..."
>
>"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither
True
>nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
>
>The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a
>great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he

>never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.
>
Fieldie
Fieldie
WA
361 posts
WA, 361 posts
14 Aug 2004 8:46pm
Love it Mike!!!
Bringing some edumication to the forum can never hurt!!! On the same tack...

Statistics show that 40% of men kiss their wife goodbye when the leave their house, and an amazing 99% of men kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife!

Getting gone!!!
Seaton
kk
kk
WA
953 posts
kk kk
WA, 953 posts
15 Aug 2004 12:38am
How true I had a good House Keeper too[}:)]



An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar
is a nice place.

Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but
where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one.
At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink,
and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but
where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn,
there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink,
Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys
you anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where
I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At
Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you
your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then,
they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that
actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"
SimonM
SimonM
WA
126 posts
WA, 126 posts
19 Aug 2004 9:25am
Nick, the Dragon Slayer

Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.

Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as The antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the
same itching powder into the King's shorts. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer..

MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills.

-Simon M
punchy
punchy
WA
98 posts
WA, 98 posts
19 Aug 2004 1:10pm
Little Johnny is at school and its the day they learn't all about occupations. the teacher is up front and asking all the students what they would like to be. "Sarah, what do you want to be when you grow up?" "well miss i want to be a nurse" says sarah, the teacher is impressed with her pupils committment to the community, "tim, what would you like to be when you grow up" "i want to be a teacher" tim claims proudly, the teacher is thrilled that her own occupation seems glamorous to her student. out of the corner of her eye she sees little johhny in the background, arm in the air straining, badly wantin g to have his say. now the teacher is a bit concerned about what his response giving what he has said in the past, but she can't not ask him as she has asked everyone else in the class. "okay little Johnny, what would you like to be when you grow up "a farmer miss" the teacher is thrilled her most degenerate pupil is planning to do something productive with life. "little johnny thats excellent, i'm so proud of you. what would you like to farm? "pubic hair miss" the knocks the teacher back and thinking she didn't hear right asks "pubic hair?" "yes miss" "but why little johnny?" little Johnny sticks up two fingers in the air side by side and says "my sister has a patch only this big(the size of the two fingers together) and she makes a hundred grand a year off that..

punchy
poor relative
poor relative
WA
9106 posts
WA, 9106 posts
25 Aug 2004 5:16pm

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked " What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish!"
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."







hardman
hardman
1116 posts
1116 posts
10 Sep 2004 4:41pm
Great Jokes Guys

Any Monty Python Fans out there

Quote from Oscar Wilde Sketch

King to Wilde: "The whole Palace is talking about you Wilde",

Wilde to King: "Your Majesty,...The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about!". ................Uproarious laughter for 3 minutes....

King to Wilde: "Very witty Wilde, very witty"

Wilde to King: "Your Majesty, the only thing worse than being witty is not being witty"................Laughter for 3 minutes...

This sketch goes on, unless there are new jokes posted soon I will keep adding to this sketch

Most of my jokes are pretty obscene, and not posting material

Hardie (Board Butcher)
pole boy
pole boy
WA
292 posts
WA, 292 posts
17 Sep 2004 9:28am
Two men are driving through Rockhampton when they get pulled over by the boys in blue. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.
"What the hell was that for?" the driver asks.
"You're in Queensland mate" the copper answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
"I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm from Victoria".
The copper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean-- and gives the guy his license back. The copper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the copper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
"What'd you do that for?" the passenger asks.
"Just making your wish come true," replies the copper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks.
"Because I know," the copper says," that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your mate and say, "I wish that asshole would've tried that **** with me!"

You know you're living in 2004 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Life is but a dream, from which we all must wake.
leski
leski
NSW
661 posts
NSW, 661 posts
17 Sep 2004 12:36pm
I like number 16!!!!!!
pole boy
pole boy
WA
292 posts
WA, 292 posts
20 Sep 2004 6:38pm
more trash from my email.

Mr Honda, of the Honda Motor Corporation, died and went to heaven for judgement. At the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda, "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him".
St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
He then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?"
God Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am".
"Well," said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your design."
1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and don't even get me started talking about the maintenance costs.
"Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God, "Lets have a wee look."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results. After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.."







Life is but a dream, from which we all must wake.
pole boy
pole boy
WA
292 posts
WA, 292 posts
5 Oct 2004 6:48pm
i don't know who wrote this though some people have way to much time. no breeze out east!!!

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by turning on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this post, I end it.

Life is but a dream, from which we all must wake.
Fieldie
Fieldie
WA
361 posts
WA, 361 posts
8 Oct 2004 9:05pm
Like it!!! Thank God "Well, I'll be buggered!" isn't taken literally!

A quick one for youse...

What's one good thing about being a speed-freak? Only two more sleeps til Christmas...

(Are we there yet??!!!!) Seaton
pole boy
pole boy
WA
292 posts
WA, 292 posts
17 Oct 2004 7:53am
There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful. His brother, on the other hand, was bad and did all the things that men should not do and didn't care who he hurt.
The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there and he was very happy.
One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there.
God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead. The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother. So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.
Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with You. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand, if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde. It hardly seems like a punishment".
God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not."






Life is but a dream, from which we all must wake.
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