Proof that Men Have Better Friends...
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there..
Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said,
'Julia,I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters.'
'Good idea Leader, how will we go about it?' said Julia.
'Well,' said Rudd, 'we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats,
some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat.
Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part.
We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush.'
'Right.' Said Julia.
Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction.
Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.
They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.
'G'day mate,' said Rudd to the bartender, 'two middies of your best beer.'
'Good afternoon Leader,' said the bartender, 'two middies of our best coming up.'
Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again
to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.
All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip.
He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail,looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.
Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dogs tail and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.
'Tell me,' said Rudd, 'why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?'
'Strewth no!' said the barman.
'Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes!'
All most made the lame Pile.
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank c heck.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!
One for you, Doc:
Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.
The first surgeon says: I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.
The second responds: 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! everything inside them is color-coded. (Greenie: confirm please?)
The third surgeon says: 'No, I really think librarians are the best; Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.
The fourth surgeon chimes in: 'You know, I like mechanics... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine . Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.
They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after while, nature once more took its inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So they buried Deirdre.
I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Should be in the lame jokes.[}:)]
I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
The Parrot and the Magician
A Magician had a gig working on a cruise ship as an entertainer.
The Captain had a pet parrot that hated the magician.
Every cruise the parrot would try and ruin the Magician's act....
"raaaaq, this one's done with mirrors" or "raaaaq, there's a second rabbit in a hidden compartment" etc. - Man they hated each other!
One day, the ship got smashed by a tidal wave, sank and everybody drowned.....
......except of course for the parrot and the Magician. Who, as fate would have it, found themselves clinging on to the same piece of driftwood.
They stared into each others eyes with absolute hatred.
Neither said a word...
.....Two tense days passed, not a word, neither of them even blinked.
Then on the third day of silence the parrot finally cracked - "OK....I give up! What did ya do with the FU@#'N BOAT ?"
(Posted this on another thread but it belongs in the jokes)
Husband and Wife meet a Genie
A husband and wife are out having a round of golf. The lovely wife slices one over the fence, smashing the window of an adjoining house.
The husband says, "Dear, I think we should pop in and apologise, and just make sure no one got hurt."
They knock on the door and are let in by a tall, bearded man clad only in what looked to be a baggy bathrobe.
The couple noticed an antique lamp of some sort was smashed all over the floor, next to the broken window.
The husband said, "Sir, my wife and I are so sorry about the....."
"Be not sorry at all my good man." interupted the imposing figure. "For I am the Genie of the ancient lamp. I have been trapped inside for over 200 years, and you have freed me. In keeping with tradition I shall grant thee 3 wishes. Choose wisely"
The man looked at his beautiful wife with a new found respect for her slice, and said, "Thank you oh generous Genie.... For our first wish I would like peace on earth, please."
"and so there shall be!" replied the Genie as he folded his arms, closed his eyes and nodded his head.
"for our second wish, I would like good health for all members of my family for the remainder of their lives, please." requested the husband.
"You are indeed a noble hearted man, worthy of the 3 wishes I have bestowed upon thee." replied the Genie as he again folded his arms, closed his eyes and nodded his head. ......"Done"
The husband went for number 3, "I apologise for the selfish nature of my final wish, but we have never been wealthy. I would like my wife and I to have an endless supply of money, so we are set for life financially"
The Genie again complied "Done!"
As the husband and wife turned to leave, the Genie spoke again.
"Not so fast. I too have a wish of my own.......
I have been in a bottle for 200 years. I have not had the pleasure of a woman's flesh for a long, long time. I notice that your wife is indeed a fair piece..... I wish for an hour of her personal company, to celebrate my new found freedom."
The wife looked at the husband and started to speak, but her husband cut her off. "My love," said the husband, "He seems a fine Genie and he has given us the perfect life. I shall wait for you out the front, and I will spend an hour thinking of how we'll spend our money."
The wife did not speak, but took hold of the Genie's outstretched hand and followed the Genie into the bedroom.
......After an hour of hot and steamy love making, the Genie looked deep into the woman's eyes and said, "Aaaaahhhhhhh........ By the way, your husband seems like an intelligent man!"
"He is !" replied the wife proudly.
"Yeah ?" said the Genie, "Can't believe he fell for all that 'Genie' bullsh!t, can you ?"
'Sixty is the worst age to be,' said the 60-year-old man. 'You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.'
'Ah, that's nothing,' said the 70-year-old. 'When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing' comes out!'
'Actually,' said the 80-year -old, 'Eighty is the worst age of all.'
'Do you have trouble peeing, too?' asked the 60-year old.
'No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.'
'So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?'
'No, I have one every morning at 6:30.'
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, 'You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?'
'I don't wake up until 7:00.
The absolute best Little Johnnie joke
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be ****ed if he needed glasses".
a pair of jump leads & a pair of glasses walkd into a pub, the bar lady goes "you two get out!!", they both reply "why?" the lady goes, your mate is already off his face and you're about to start something!!!
What do you call a blank piece of paper?
Why don't women wear watches?
BECAUSE THE TIME IS ON THE OVEN!
Why are womans feet smaller than mens?
SO THEY CAN STAND CLOSER TO THE SINK!
Favourite wife joke of all time!
A married couple goes to a marriage counsellor to work out some problems.
The counsellor sits them on the couch and says 'For starters, lets talk
about something you both have in common.’
The husband says 'Well, neither of us suck dick.'
They had been trying to concieve a child for so long they had almost given up.
Then it happened, a bewduful baby boy. The doc said I need to tlk to you both.
Well here is the problem, says the doc. your son was born with no eyelids.
Easy fixed says the doc, will circumcise him and use the skin for eyelids.
Wow says mum does that mean he will have alot of foresight??? Well says the doc,
could be but he might also be cock eyed
what does postman pat do for a living?
he's a postman
Dr john was feeling a bit guilty after having sex with a patent the voice in his head said get over it your not the first doctor to have sex with a patent and you wont be the last your single and the patent isn't going to complain then the other voice said your a vet you sick bastard!
how do you have sex with a patent...?
A skinny little white guy gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy
staring at him, looks down, and says:
'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch
dick, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'
The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says,
'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'
The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. . . . Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota
which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it
under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her
first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
He complains that she is incredibly slow and
the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men
march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed
up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded
by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a
huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps
it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package
between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Sorry if you've heard this before, but I've just come across it.
This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy
aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio
conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on
10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
A women looks out of her window and sees a gorilla in her tree, so she calls the local zoo and they say they will send a guy down. He turns up with a cage, ladder,tazer,rifle and a bull terrier. He says to the women, I'll climb the tree hit the gorilla with the tazer, when he falls to the ground the bull terrier will grab him by the balls and drag him into the cage.The women asks ...whats the rifle for? the guy says if I fall out of the tree before the gorilla shot the terrier
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family , so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! we call her the
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you
The nanny, we will consider her the
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy! Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that t the baby has severely
soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies,
'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the
Future is in deep ****
How can you PROVE that the dog is man's best friend?
Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car, and see who's happy to see you when you come back two hours later....
Have you ever eaten ethiopian food?
neither have they!
One Maori says to another: "hey bro, what's a Hindu?"
The second Maori replies "lays eggs bro"
A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis. Her name was Wendy.
Shortly after the couple was married and they were honeymooning in Jamaica. The man was in a bathroom and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a "Wendy" on his penis.
The man said to him "Oh, is your girl named Wendy too?"
The Jamaican replied, "No Mon. That says, 'Welcome To Jamaica Have a Nice Day'".
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Sue
That the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears,
he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Darling, now I only
have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Sue agreed
and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
hours of life left. He touched Sue's shoulder and said, 'Darling?
Please? Just one more time before I die?' She agreed, and then
afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep
Barry, however, lay there awake and listened to the clock ticking in his
head, tossing and turning until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Darling, I only
have four hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen, I'm not
trying to be funny, Barry, but I have to get up in the morning - you
Seamus was playing his weekly round on his home course when, on the 14th tee, he sliced one wildly right into the gorse. Searching for his ball he suddenly came across an unconscious Leprechaun lying under a bush with said ball beside him. Feeling very embarressed he gently brought the little guy back to his senses giving him a wee drop of bushmills from his hip flask to help. The Leprechaun, appreciating there was no malice intended, and, impressed with the compassion of the man, descided to grant him the customary three wishes due to anyone who catches one of the little folk. Seamus, of course, tried to dissuade him, still very uncomfortable with the chain of events. The Leprechaun was adamant that Seamus accept and would not be denied so, although Seamus walked away protesting that he couldn´t possibly accept, the Leprechaun decided to take matters into his own hands and granted Seamus three wishes in absentia so to speak.
A year went by ..... Seamus, again playing the 14th on his home course, pushed one slightly into the right rough. Upon reaching his ball he hears a voice from the gorse "Hey Seamus.. how´s it goin´" The Leprechaun stepped cautiously out from behind a bush and said "remember me?". Seamus, of course, could never forget his previous meeting with the little man and replied "Great, and how´s Yourself?"
The Leprechaun was more interested in what had been happening with Seamus this year past and said "Tell me Seamus, How`s the last Year been for You?" "Well", said Seamus, "Pretty good I must say" "about a week after we met I won a million in the lottery!" "and shortly after that my Golf game suddenly improved, so much so that I was recently called up to the national team!"
"That´s great" said the Leprechaun. "Anything else?". "Well, like what?" said Seamus.
"How`s the old sex-life for example?" asked the Leprechaun. "Well," said Seamus, looking a bit sheepish, "Amazing, to be honest, I´ve had sex at least 6 times since I saw You last!!"
"And You call that Amazing!" said the Leprechaun, thinking something must have gone wrong with the third wish....
"Well" said Seamus "Thats pretty good considering!"...
"Considering what?" said the Leprechaun..
"Well, ... for a Catholic Priest in the west of Ireland .......