WEEELLLLCOOMMME!!!!
TOOOOOO
KITEFORUM CELEBRITY DEAAATTHHHH---MAAAATCHHH!!!!!
That's right sportsfans, tonight is the night, the one we've all been waiting to see. The battle of battles, the fight of fights, the final showdown between the Yin and the Yang of the kiteforum world.
Before I go any further, may I please introduce the two contestants!?!
In the blue corner tonight, with the home stadium advantage, we have a teacher of paying students and ex-self-appointed-leader of the Australian kiteboarding community. A man who's two feet are firmly planted on the earth whenever he launches his kite, STEEEEVEE MMMMMCOOORMAAAACK!!!!
In the red corner, a man who's true identity is an enigma wrapped in a mystery surrounded by question, a redneck seppo from the deep mid south west north east of the good ol' U. S. of ****ing-A, and a man who learnt to kite on the water long before he learnt to launch from a beach, FO-O-O-KITEN!!!!
While the fighters get warmed up please let me take the opportunity to welcome you all here tonight and let you in on what's been happening behind the scenes to put us where we are tonight.
The venue you are tuning into is Telstra Stadium, for those of you who are unable to make it down here tonight, one of Sydney's premier sports venues and scene of the calamity that was the 2003 Rugby World Cup final. But we won't think about that tonight, for we have another spectacular sporting event on our hands.
Sydney is Australia's most populous town, with almost 70 permanent residents. It isn't the capital of Australia, but don't tell that to anyone who lives there. A pretentious, posing town, perfectly matched to our man in the blue trunks tonight.
We've managed to drag Fokiten and the Monkey out of the swamp only with the promise of a rematch in Sepposota if both contestants survive tonight. Then in the guise of fairness and the tradition of the State of Origin (an Aussie thing), a final is to be held in international waters of the Pacific ocean, on kiteboards, halfway between Downunder and Over-the-top (but nowhere near Hawaii).
What a turnout we have here tonight sportsfans, celebrities from both the kiteforum and the real world have showed up to witness this event. There's the slingshot boys in a tent near the front throwing things at everyone and throwing up on themselves. Best are here with their cheerleaders turning a few heads. Martin Technologies as sponsors of the event have a prime position there and are giving out M1 bindings to lucky punters who happen to be in the right place at the right time.
Seconding in the red corner tonight is the guide and mentor of the man smearing on the arthritis cream, the one who taught him everything he knows about everything, The Monkey!!! Word is that Fo tried to recruit a GrOm as a second but none of them wanted to help him with his jockstrap.
Steve was also unable to get his first choice of a second, I've heard from my well placed sources. Apparently he tried to recruit Rick Iossi, who shares a disdain for Fokiten's principles, but Rick was too concerned that someone was going to get hurt and opted to be safety officer for the evening instead. Not to be gotten down, Steve has standing with him in the line of fire a man who's repartees with the foe, Fo, have been known to take similar lines, and who would love to see him lying in a pool of blood on the canvas, Tom183!!!
It's going to be on for all tonight, gentle listeners, as the two competitors step into the ring. There will be no love lost at all. There is a gleam in Steve's eye as he stares down his opponent. You can see the comtempt there, almost feel it in the air. Fo's eyes are also gleaming, though it looks like the effect of some sort of amphetamines. This will definitely be interesting to watch. RickI is twitching with nervousness, he is fully expecting some severe injuries tonight.
As the clock approaches start time the referee enters the ring. A man we all know, and the only impartial member of the kiteforum who could be found for the night, 'Guest'!!! He's been known to take sides in the past, but his inconsistancy was considered impartiality enough.
The tension is building now. The slingshot boys have noticed and quietened down for a look and the Best girls are still. You could cut the air with a blunt knife.
'Guest' calls the fighters out from their corners and they warily approach each other.
"OK you two, this is a celebrity deathmatch tonight, the rules are pretty simple. You fight until your opponent can fight no longer. Nothing that could hurt any members of the audience, and no attacks on each other's genitals. 10 minute rounds, other than that, anything goes. Now shake"
Oh my god, Fokiten has just lashed out with a switchblade from his sock! That's a bad move Fo, you'll have to learn to control yourself a bit better. Steve saw it coming from miles away. You should have saved it for later when he might not have been as focussed.
Steve's dodged the blade and stepped in to catch Fo's arm after it swung past. He's got Fo's knife hand and is twisting it back to his wrist until Fo drops the knife. Steve kicks it off the stage and RickI pounces on it, confiscating it in the cause of safety.
Steve has Fo compromised with the lock on his arm and with his positioning is able to trip Fo backwards over his leg and follow him to the canvas with an elbow in the chest WWF style. That's taken the wind out of Fo, but his eyes are still spinning in his head and by the looks he hasn't really felt any pain.
Steve has an advantage now though, he has the superiority of the first knockdown. He now has the belief that he can drop Fo whenever he wants.
Fo is up again though and is looking a bit more focussed now. He boxes at Steve, throwing a couple of straight lefts, in what looks like a test of his opponent. Steve blocks them pretty easily and throws a couple of his own back, followed by a looping right that shows why Steve isn't a boxer. Fo steps inside it and throws a short right jab to the heart that gives Steve a bit of a wakeup call. Steve pulls Fo into a clinch to try and buy some time, at which Fo headbutts him across the bridge of the nose, causing the first blood of the night.
Realising this isn't boxing and with a surge of fear induced adrenaline pulls a move from 'Mortal Kombat'. He drops backwards to the canvas, Pulls Fo with him, but then kicks Fo off and over the ropes, out of the ring.
Oh my god, will someone take control of that monkey?! Is it domesticated? Is it tied up? It is foaming at the mouth!
Steve regains his composure while Fo gets back into the ring. He is scared now, the old bastard knows how to fight dirty. Steve doesn't know how to fight at all, but realises that he must. Fo on the other hand can sense the awkardness in his opponent and must work out some way to exploit it. His own weakness is his inconsistancy and short attention span. He can't work out what the **** he is trying to do.
The crowd is excited, everyone knows they are going to see what they came here to see, some carnage. The monkey is going mad, and there is a definite flurry of movement in the blue corner as Tom confers with the Kitepower instructors as to how Steve can teach Fo anything without any wind in his kite.
The fighters are circling each other now, making short lunges at each other to probe for gaps. They're warmed up now from their first encounters and are ready to turn this fight into a hockey match.
Steve takes some initiative and charges Fo in a Rugby League style tackle. Never having seen one before (I don't think they believe in multiculturalism in Bum****, Seppolia), Fo is taken by surprise and gets lifted off his feet. More of that fear fuelled adrenaline enables Steve to follow Fo down to the floor and knock the wind out of him again.
Steve has him pinned and it looks like he's going to try a beatdown, hawaiian style, on Fo's head, when the bell rings for the end of the first.
Looks like I was right, there's something going on here tonight. What a fight so far! You can tell this is no gentlemanly duel, these two have a hate going that far surpasses any level of civility. When Fokiten pulled that knife without even shaking hands we knew we were in store for something big, and it looks like we're getting it.
I'm only sorry Roy and HG weren't here tonight to provide coverage of the match. Australia's best known sports commentators and themselves great sportsmen, they asked me just the other night with great regret if I could fill in for them. It seems they had other committments that were just too important to miss. And they would have been important to make the lads miss this, Roy and HG were there at the very beginning of kiteboarding, back when they themselves were experimenting with flying a kite from the convenience of a surfboard.
Unfortunately they couldn't be here tonight and I only hope that my mediocre skills can give this fight the intensity it deserves in your head to match what we are seeing here tonight in front of us.
The fighters are back up ready for round two now. 'Guest' calls them to the middle of the ring and without bothering to say anything steps quickly back to Candy from the Best tent where he is describing his version of 'the flying pe*is'.
Steve tries to take the offensive again with another tackle but Fo is ready for it this time. He smartly sidesteps and pushes Steve to the ground via a well timed knee to the ribs.
"Skreeck" from the red corner.
Steve rolls to the side, hurting, but in a moment of levity manages to lash out with his foot and trip Fo, taking him to the canvas for the third time.
This time has winded Fo, and between that, Steve's recent hit and their collective age being in three figures, I'm worried there may not be too much left in the fight. It's only early days yet, but they are both pretty slow to their feet.
Fo goes for a bit more boxing and throws a couple of short jabs to the head of Steve, who manages to deflect most of the damage. Fo leaves himself open at the end of his combination and Steve is right onto it, managing to slip a quick right into the face and getting a payback in blood.
This is bareknuckle here tonight, punches landed are damage. Both men have blood coming from their noses now and it's starting to look like a real fight. It seems that they are getting their second wind now, the endorphins are kicking in and heightening awareness and ability.
They box each other for a bit more when Fo lashes out with a carefully placed kick that gets Steve's damaged ribs. I wonder if they are broken? He's taking it pretty well, they probably aren't.
Another couple of punches and the bell goes for the end of the second and the fighters retreat to their corners both holding up ok.
Well it certainly looks like it could be anyone's fight here tonight now. I came in with my money on Steve for the sake of gambling, and because he's an Aussie, but I wasn't prepared to run a book myself. Perhaps I should have, Fokiten would be a lot of people's favourite, with his less conservative posting he would have some of the mental instability crowd following him, and those more stable punters who think he would be more likely to get berserk and use that to win.
Steve's form has been a little slower to start, but continuous taunting from Fo has him biting more and more at the bait, the way his second Tom183 used to earlier this year. I really think that he could be a match for Fo now if he plays the game right, but from this point it's still anyone's match."
Sorry for the delay there folks, slight technical hitch. We're back now for the third and both fighters still look pretty evenly matched.
'Guest' calls them out of their corners and Fo comes storming out like a man posessed. Steve is a bit more cautious and gets away from the ropes, but is still pretty close to his corner by the time Fo has shoved his way in through Steves guard and got his hands around Steve's throat. Steve counters with some sort of martial arts grip to Fo's arms that enables him to push Fo to his knees. Steve then launches himself at Fo, who still has a grip on his neck, and from his higher centre of gravity is able to slam Fo to the floor again and wind him again, forcing him to let go of Steve's neck. Steve is quick to his feet and manages to give Fo a good hard kick in the ribs as he tries to get up.
Fo seems enraged by this. It has hurt him, but he seems to be running on berserk now. He stands up and charges at Steve again, red in the face, foaming at the mouth and screaming some sort of unintelligable gibberish. Before Steve has a chance to do anything Fo has him in a Rugby League style tackle and charges him into the ropes.
Unfortunately the ropes are just your standard boking ring ropes and aren't meant for this sort of abuse. They promptly twist together and the two bodies flip over them backwards onto the mats surrounding the ring. "Skreek" from the Blue corner. Both competitors land on their backs, Steve having gone straight down backwards and Fo's momentum having flipped him right over with his feet towards the audience.
They both seem stunned, possibly slightly winded, and 'guest' quickly gets between them to get them back in the ring.
They slowly get back in the ring. Fo has quietened down again, but from the look on his face I would guess he would love to have grabbed a chair out of the audience and set about Steve with it.
'Guest' calls "Fight" and they circle, boxing style again. Steve takes the first offensive this time and goes in with a couple of hard left-rights to try and break through Fo's defence. They aren't that hard or fast but Fo is doing all he can to block them and isn't giving anything back.
I think this round is going to Steve, he has shown more control and caused more damage than... Hold on! What's this? The monkey has launched itself onto Steve and started clawing at his face in a frenzied attack.
Steve jumps back and tries to get the monkey off his head and Fo takes the advantage and trips Steve while he's off balance. Steve goes down but manages to catch the monkey's tail between his head and the canvas. This quite effectively removes the monkey who heads up into the lighting towers with a "skreek skreek skreek".
Just as Fokiten starts to approach the downed Steve the bell goes for the end of the round. For a minute he looks like he might ignore it, but pulls up instead in an uncharacteristic display of self control.
It's all on here tonight, faithful listeners. The two combatants are taking some heavy damage but are still going hard. Steve seems more in control of himself, he seems to have his opponent sussed and his initial fear has made way for a grim determination. Fokiten is still showing his characteristic bursts of insanity, which have, as predicted, turned into bersek moments of primitive aggression.
As the clock ticks towards the start of the 4th round I can see some strange activity from the Fokiten camp. There is a group in a huddle around what looks to be a laptop computer. The monkey, who is back down from the lighting towers, throws a towel into the ring! What is this? Are they giving up already? Fokiten stands and goes to the middle of the ring where he signals for the overhead microphone.
"I,,,,, can't take it anymore,,,,,,
You people,,,,, don't know,,,,,,
Don't use my name,,,,,,
This is not me,,,,,,,
I am not thee,,,,,,,
My monkey belongs in a tree,,,,,
,,,,,,,
I do not wish to take any further part in this sham,,,,,
It is a money grubbing capitalist display for greedy pigs,,,,, I will have no part in it,,, understand?"
Well you heard it live folks. I'm not sure what he meant by all that but it looks like he can't take the strain anymore. Perhaps he thought Steve was going to win and did not want everyone to see him go down. I can only but guess at his motivation.
After a brief conference with the judges, 'Guest' calls the competitors to the middle of the ring and takes each of them by the wrist. Just then Fokiten looks at his camp and nods his head. The one on the computer taps a key and something strange starts to happen. The ring is disappearing! The arena for one of the greatest battles in the internet kiteboarding forum world has gone! Steve, Fokiten and 'Guest' are standing on the grass in the middle of Telstra Stadium. Fokiten snatches his wrist from 'Guest' and is gone too.
Looks like this match goes to Steve. It was a very irregular ending though, there may be a protest. I wonder what it all means? What has really happened here tonight? Will we ever know? The crowd are stunned (except Slingshot, who are passed out drunk). 'Guest' looks around, seems to ponder for a second, then holds up Steve's arm. "The winner, by default, Steve Mcormack". The crowd clap politely, but you can tell they are disappointed. It is understandable too, this doesn't seem to be a fitting end to such a battle.
Perhaps it will all be revealed in the future. Who knows? Let us set a new stage and see what becomes of it. What can we look forward to in the future from these two characters? I wonder what some time off will foster between them?
It's hard to say really, we can only wait. Until that time, happy kiteboarding, merry christmas and goodnight.
The Green Baron
Terror of the skies and vanquisher of poor spelling everywhere
(now I'm going to look silly if I make a spelling mistake)
