NSW
584 posts
I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
WA
164 posts
(when about to get in a fight)
cry like a woman untill he turns and walks away in descust! then take him form behind :)
WA
478 posts
Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
NSW
253 posts
When Chuck Norris jumps into a lake, he doesn't get wet. The lake gets Chuck Norris'd
WA
50 posts
im not an alcaholic they go to meetings
WA
268 posts
'Madam, I may be drunk, but tomorrow I will be sober - you will still be ugly'
My main man Churchill, or the big Dubya'C to his mates.
NSW
84 posts
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears
NSW
59 posts
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
VIC
49 posts
Humour for Lexophiles (Lovers of Words):
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade that fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory, but it was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead the dough basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
WA
819 posts
'If the milk turn out to be sour, I ain't the type of pussy to drink it. If you know what I mean.'
- Lock Stock & Two Smoking Barrels
NSW
397 posts
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal labotomy.
