NSW
221 posts
where did you find a cat with no arms or legs......
where you left it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
how long`s it take a wog to hang a sh.t??
9 mths......
whats big & yellow & cant swim???
a tractor....
how do you confuse a ****ta????
7
confused???
SA
2898 posts
The new Bruno design.
a Bow style parachute.
opens on Impact.
Tried to patent the idea but couldn't. Seems many other kite manufacturers have already been providing the same feature.
QLD
158 posts
whats a horses' favourite sport?
STABLE TENNIS
WA
200 posts
Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers
and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are so obsessed with eating
you've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is with money. Again,
it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too,
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up takes her little boy by
the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."
WA
200 posts
A primary teacher starts a new job in Essendon and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Bombers fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Bombers fans. Everyone in the class raises their hands except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Bombers fan," she replied. The teacher, a little shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Bombers fan, who do you barrack for?"
"I'm a Richmond fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears.
"Mary, why, please tell, are you a Richmond fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are from Richmond, and my mum is a Richmond fan and my dad is a Richmond fan, so I'm a Richmond fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Richmond fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. If your mother was a prostitute and your father was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"
"Then," said Mary, "I'd be a Collingwood fan."
WA
200 posts
TYPES OF MEN IN THE WASHRROM
1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2) Sociable -- Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3) Cross-eyed -- Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
4) Timid -- Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.
5) Indifferent -- All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
6) Clever -- No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor.
7) Worried -- Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
8) Frivolous -- Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.
9) Absent-Minded -- Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10) Childish -- Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
11) Sneaky -- Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed.
12) Patient -- Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand.
13) Desperate -- Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14) Tough -- Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry.
15) Efficient -- Waits until he has to crap and does both.
16) Fat -- Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shower.
17) Little -- Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
18) Drunk -- Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
19) Disgruntled -- Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20) Conceited -- Holds two-inch dick like baseball bat.
1338 posts
Handy Guide to the Modern Sciences
1. If it's green and moves, it's Biology.
2. If it's yellow and stinks, it's Chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.
...............................................
Earthquake predictors are fault finders.
Danger! Do not stare into the laser with remaining eye!
The lab called, your brain is ready.
Crop circles are the work of cereal killers.
Forty isn't old . . . if you're a tree.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Never be spontaneous . . . you might combust.
Old chemists never die, they simply fail to react.
Half the people you know are below average.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Yesterday I couldn't spell engineer, now I is one.
OK, so what's the speed of darkness?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
Geography is spreading all over the world. Stamp out geography!
NSW
7 posts
what did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend??
he wiped his a*se
WA
200 posts
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
WA
200 posts
What's the hardest thing about windsurfing?
Telling your parents you're gay.
WA
200 posts
keahi your mum know you go 2 gay bars??
jks bro
bwahahahahahaha
WA
9106 posts
A Collingwood girl walks into the local dry cleaners.
She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
Another Collingwood girl was involved in a serious crash, there's blood everywhere.
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the road.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
A Collingwood Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She
ays "I'll take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
QLD
5283 posts
For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously:
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like...night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese in the trap.
10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
14. Can all those that believe in psycho-kinesis please raise my hand.
15. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.(for ibis)
18. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what
happened.
25. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
26. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates... it's more like a jar of
jalapenos. What you do today might burn your arse tomorrow.
VIC
51 posts
What did the cow say to the farmer?
"stop playing with my tits and f#ck me"
QLD
158 posts
What's the worst part about eating vegetables? Those damn wheelchairs
Whats the difference between a kangaroo and a sheep dead on the road? the kangaroo has skid marks infront of it
WA
200 posts
Three engineers and three accountants were travelling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets
and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an
accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats,
but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door
behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around
collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket,
please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So,
after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on
the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all
that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the
return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at
all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a
restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The
train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his
restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were
hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
WA
200 posts
Victor and Donna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Victor suddenly jumped in the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
remained there. Donna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
bottom and pulled Victor to safety.
When the psychiatric director became aware of Donna's heroic act, he
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now
considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Donna the news, he said, "Donna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged.
Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in
and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act
displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is Victor, the patient you saved, hung himself in the
bathroom with his belt right after you saved him. I am sorry, but
he's dead."
Donna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon do I go home?"
QLD
206 posts
why are pirates pirates?
because they arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
QLD
5283 posts
I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt
And her leg fell in the river.
Paul McCartney
WA
42 posts
two elephants fell off a cliff. BOOM! BOOM!
QLD
177 posts
what did the fish say when it swam into the concrete wall
dam
1156 posts
What did the Blonde say about blonde jokes?
She said they were okay, but they may offend some Puerto Ricans.
SA
2898 posts
Three holes in the ground
well, well, well.
