Little Johny draws a penis on the blackboard.

The teacher spots it and rubs it out.

As soon as the teacher isn't around, little Johny draws a bigger penis on the blackboard and writes under it.

"The more you rub the bigger it gets".

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other
in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm
going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for
thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of
his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.


The two approached each other a bit shyly , but soon dashed for the
bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and
shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from
the bushes with grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking
conspiratorially.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and
said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll **** on
it's head."

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

While shopping for holiday clothes, my husband and I passed a display of swim wear. It had been at least ten years and a few kilos since I had even considered buying any so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in- one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

Did you hear about the 2irish ****s ???
Michael Fitzpatrik and Patrik Fitzmichael

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife
is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.


And the last one:

How would the life of a man be without a women?
Boring.

And now some m"medical" ones:

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.


2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.


3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."



4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years -when my husband was alive."

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was so shocking that he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's about as far as I got, too

I was in Coles buying a large bag of Pal for my Corgi and was in line
to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, and not at all like me, I told her that no, I was starting The
Pal Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time. I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both
arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works
is you load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry. The food however is nutritionally complete so I
was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone
in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy
behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I
was in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking
my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

Joke. Click on lick.

How many animals can u fit in a pair of pantyhose?


2 calves, an ass, a beaver, a ****load of hares and 1 fish no one can find

quote:

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Originally posted by qfmike737

Joke. Click on lick.

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One of the lads at work had that on his phone... same result when i watched it the second time... wet seat and tears!