QLD
5283 posts
Nick the Dragon Slayer had had a long-standing obsession with nuzzling the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after, she dressed and the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
moral, pay your bills.
NSW
169 posts
A big, dumb, but fairly good looking biker stops by the Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. Next, he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
The feed store owner said, "Put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand."
"Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.
In the parking lot, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. You can follow me through my short cut down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
"Holy smokes, Lady!" the biker said. "I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
"Well," the lady said, "set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
NSW
169 posts
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl,
"Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies,
"Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says,
"Ok, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,
"Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies,
"Well, once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says,
"OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls; one girl
is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says,
"Lisa! What seems to be the rush?
The girl replies,
"If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before
Jessica sticks her ass in it."
NSW
169 posts
Dictionary for women's personal ads:
40-ish.............................................49
Adventurous.................Slept with all your mates
Athletic......................................No tits
Average looking...............Has a face like an arse
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
Educated....................Was ****ed to bits at Uni
Emotionally Secure......................On medication
Feminist..................Bad hair and no dress sense
Free spirit....................................Junkie
Friendship first..........................Former sl*t
Fun..........................................Annoying
Gentle...........................................Dull
Good Listener................................Autistic
New-Age............................Body hair problems
Old-fashioned..........................No HJ's or anal
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk
Poet.......................................Depressive
Professional....................................Bitch
Romantic.......................................Frigid
Social.....................Beaver like a clowns pocket
Cuddly............................................Fat
Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
Large lady.................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker
Widow........................................Murderer
NSW
169 posts
Elevator
Little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown?! … Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"
NSW
169 posts
Why we split up
We were trying to save money as the mortgage payments were pretty tough to work with.
As you know I don't drink that much - maybe a slab or two on the weekends with the boys.
As a cost saving she told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. It was tough, but I agreed.
Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.
And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.
QLD
2800 posts
scientists have discovered that most women will, at some stage of their life, contain intelligent DNA. unfortunately over 90% of them will spit it out
NSW
22 posts
Q: Why do women have breasts?
A: So men will talk to them.
