WA
4133 posts
You know the rules...................
The body was found in a shallow grave...........
NSW
1412 posts
Elle! who could it be now....
WA
9106 posts
The phenomenal growth in the groin area suggested Hardie, however the red furry body gave it away....ELmo had been murdered
NSW
1412 posts
or was the red furriness a ferrous mineral deposit.....NO...NOT MINERAL
VIC
772 posts
Nearby, a piece of scrunched up paper was wedged in the branch of a tree, it appeared to be smeared with blood.
WA
2331 posts
Acting Senior Detective Inspector Laurie carefully pulled on his surgical gloves and pried the piece of paper from its wedged location.
"Blowin in the Wind" was scrawed on its surface ....
WA
4564 posts
.....on the other side a faint outline of a tandem rig could be made out....
WA
9106 posts
...and a picture of a stick man with a floppy shlong. It was Elmo.
Laurie the detective scratched his balls as he pondered who and why
WA
4133 posts
....This was the first murder to have occurred in the windsurfing community........ Was it sport related or one of the usual suspects of drugs, crime, or infidelity......
WA
4133 posts
.....If it was sport related the prime suspect had to be Hardie... Sick of years of being slower than the Famous Elmo....... Tired of being second best....... green with envy at the accolades and awards...... "Hi are you Hardie?, What's Elmo like?", having no identity of his own always in the shadow of the speedster......
WA
9106 posts
It crossed Laurie the detectives mind that Elmo had been quite revered by the women folk in Kwinana a dangerous area in a no go zone of Perth.
Had this evil deed been carried out by chicks who like to say 'ay a lot?
WA
4133 posts
....If it was drugs it had to be Poor Relie..... Anyone that had experienced Poor relie's free association knew he had to be on drugs,...... were the clandestine telephone calls between rellie and elmo, about the secret speed spots or were they really about drugs.......
WA
4133 posts
.... If it was as rellie suggested woman related was it a cuckoled lover? Or was Rellie trying to throw the scent off?
WA
4133 posts
......If it was crime related it had to be Grumplestilskin... he like no-one else in the windsurfing community looked like a criminal..... His gentle giant disposition and witty sense of humour were just to disguise his true nature.....
WA
4133 posts
.......Did the note give any clues?.......... Was it a clever plant to throw the detective off the scent?....... Who's blood was it, a job for forensics?........ The clever criminal could have used someone else's blood to incriminate an innocent?.....
WA
6277 posts
The crime scene was taped off by the detective's pimply-faced assistant, using a special roll of tape that was purchased at a hardware store years ago and had lain dormant, waiting for just such an occasion to be used. Unfortunately for the youth, cockroaches had nibbled and chewed their way through the tape, causing it to break repeatedly and make the assistant's cheeks even more red than they usually were.
The first thing that Detective Laurie did was to round up the usual suspects, and interview them one by one. The first interview went something like this:
WA
2331 posts
Interview started at 10:39pm 6/6/07:
Righto then Mr Hardman Softboy, where were you yesterday morning between the hours of 6.45am and 11.30am when most normal people were at or on their way to work?
Would it be fair to say that you were skiving off?
What do you know about the finger of a rubber glove found shoved up the victims ......
WA
4133 posts
.......Um.......I was um.......Windsurfing with Elmo in the freezing cold, I couldn't handle it after a while.......Um,......I left Elmo at about 9am, and he had that smug smile since he was 3 knots faster than me as usual, the arogant prick.....God I hate that guy>>>>>...
WA
2331 posts
"Well Mr Softarse, sorry I mean SoftBoy", said ASDI Laurie. "There seems to be a fair bit of dissent appearing within the confines of the so called Mandurah Mob."
"It seems that YOU thought you would be the dominant sailor and also be renowned for having a large floppy appendage, but that wasn't the case was it HARDIE" said Laurenzo in a raised voice.
"However, I also have other suspects, there is that dubious piece of lead pipe in Decrepits shed", hmmmmmmmmm .......
WA
733 posts
Detective Laurie decided he would take a look in Decrepits shed himself. Even though there may not be any evidence to link him to the murder, he'd probably find enough wierd sh#t in there to book him for something.
He climb into his Hovercar9000 (this is the year 2937 afterall) and headed for Blargon 7, a new town just out the back of Kwinana which even fewer people visit than Parmelia.
WA
4133 posts
...... Decrepit's Shed alarm went off..... he knew someone had broken into his secret shed, he implemented his emergency procedures..
WA
733 posts
His Emergency procedures manual told him to..
Remove all porn from Computer hard drive.. (Estimated time 4 hours).
Hide gimp mask and rubber suit..
Get basball bat from shed..
Run out of house weilding bat yelling like a banshee wearing leapard skin leotard (If ironed).
Decrepit ran into the garden weilding his bat, dressed in his leotard...
WA
4133 posts
... This was not a pretty sight....
WA
2331 posts
.... especially when matched with the comfy slippers.
ASDI Laurie turned to Decrep and said "Allo Allo Allo" .... "I've always wanted to say that" he laughed.
Just where were you on Monday and Tuesday morning, during that howling easterly?, queried Laurie.
Any why is this strangely shaped blue speed needle lying suspiciously on your shed floor? .....
WA
2331 posts
..."Dont try and tell me that recently stitched 6m slalom sail is for you, Mr Decrep"... "its well known that you exclusively sail waves!"
"or is it?"
"harumph" said Decrep, "Are you going to charge me with anything?????????" He said with raised eyebrows and a growly look through his beard ..............
WA
4133 posts
...hmmmm.....He thought, motive, means, method? Forensic hadn't got back with the results, what could've been Decrep's motive? He was crafty enough to have many means and develop a method, but what possibly could be his motive, he was no insecure ****er like hardie, but He seemed too cocky? Hardie certainly had the motive? He needed forensics to come to the party.......
WA
2331 posts
Meanwhile back at the crime scene, forensics was busy removing the remnants of the rubber glove finger.
It was a disgusting scene, the CSI would probably be mentally scarred for life, .... but that is another story
...as the last of the glove was removed they realised there was something else, a piece of divynicel which looked like it had been heated in an oven.....
...back in the lab they realised that the brand of epoxy used was only sold in Queensland, and the last person registered as purchasing had signed his name as NEBBIAN .... (queue cheezy da da da dummm music).......
WA
4133 posts
....... In a suburban backyard in steamy Brisbane, a guilty looking nebbian was collecting every off-cut of divinycell he could find.... he'd had the vaccuum cleaner remove every last morsal, and this was the crawling on hands and knees effort to remove every last drop of divinycell from his backyard shed........
WA
6277 posts
In a steamy backyard in that no-mans-land between NSW and QLD, a frantic nebbian was hopping from one foot to another, and cackling with glee.
"Now I'm a cane toad!"
"And now I'm a cockroach"
could be heard emanating from the residence. The stereo was cranked up to the max, with Napoleon XIV's "They're coming to take me away, HA HA" blasting out and frightening the wallabies. But fear not, gentle reader, this does have some relevance to the body, found in the shallow grave. For on the plastic picnic table that doubled as a workbench, lay an opened envelope, with a piece of paper beside it. The words "Blowin in the wind" could be made out on one side, and on the other was a faint outline of a tandem windsurfer.
The envelope, however, had no return address. But the postmark was clear, and indicated that the letter was posted just two days ago, in the leafy suburb of:
...
