....... Poor Reli's testicular loss was not something that he was ever able to come to terms with, which probably explains.......

He frequently found himself wondering what became of the Hard man and his mind wandered again to the last recorded video from the gun cameras on the torpedo tube on Wheebon. It was only as the projectile left the muzzle that that they realized what they were shooting at, and shortly thereafter, what it was they were shooting. He recalled the almost soundless impact as the giant hairy drooling red vagina absorbed the 6'3 penis that was Hardie. He recalled how the beast grasped the vestigal feet of the Hard man and, moaning in ecstasy proceeded to slick him like a dildo....

Yes "Radical Rellie" as he had become known in the new moral order due to his involuntary celibacy, was tired of being shunned. He ached to be with real people again. The holodeck wasn't enough and droids, though compliant, left him wanting more. He spent many long hours on the net pretending to be otherwise and although he fooled many he failed to fool himself with his solipsistic mental tricks. Out of this lonely poetic isolation a solution occurred to him. It unfolded like a Phoebian light flower, and this time it didn't involve suicide....

But he had no time for poor pathetic Rellie ...

Meanwhile in a distant part of the galaxy, the evil Nebbian empire had just perfected its plans for hegemony of the entire universe. Instrumental in these plans was acquiring the one and only TrueWal, the distinct antithesis of NotWal.
The Nebbian hive-mind completed its mind meld, and collectively decided that the only way to acquire TrueWal was to lure it in by subtle manipulation of sexual energies. This was outside of the hive-mind's collective experience-net, as all reproduction up until this point had been asexual. Therefore, the collective had to call apon Hardie for some advice...

Hardie had never fully recovered from his encounter with the giant red hairy creature. His mind had gone. In fact his brain had overcompensated from the shock of being used as a sex toy and had completely adapted to that end. In short he was a complete prick. No communication could be interpreted as anything other than a romantic overture and Hardie, drool encrusted and pink from friction, was dangerous - just the thing for the nefarious Nebbians ...

meanwhile, the Nebbian super mind scanned the eminations of every consciousness in the universe. Supremely confident of their superiority
they harvested arcane and mundane knowledge and made their plans...

Yes, the Nebbian collective knew full well how damaging oxidants can be, and had genetically engineered some plants to release the toxic chemical OXYGEN when exposed to gut chemicals. Cackling with glee, the elected representative of the hive-mind knew that by making these mutant organisms into the shape of cabbages they would prove irresistable to the one and only TrueWal. Once TrueWal was ensnared, the genetically modified plants would join in a mind meld, gather their strength, and explosively combine with the methane in his digestive tract...

In the post-hyperspace universe it was easy to wonder and delight in the cabbage.......... However, it was only 5 or so thousand years ago when our jewel in the sexual crown was.........takes a big gulp of air....... swallows ... ..... "Considered the white trash of vegetables...... Shunned at 5 star eateries........ and this is just so..blasphemous to say... takes another big gulp.... swallows twice........... Eaten for it's nutritional value, rather than for it's erotic and ecstacy value........" How primitive and naive our forefathers must have been........ It shames me to think that my ancestors were so ancient and barbaric... Glad I didn't live in those days..... Anyway back to the present...............

While waiting for the trap to be sprung, the collective amused themselves with inventing new forms of transportation, all the better to charge around the galaxy with.

One of these involved a "Solar sail", a massive triangle of reflective mylar that caught the solar wind and therefore created a force. This needed to be attached to something, so the collective's best minds had a massive meld session (which included the use of an occult ritual borrowed from their latest sortie, involving the oxidation of certain plant matter). This led to them devising a brilliant scheme of interlocking supercondictors, which when tested appeared to align itself to the magnetic field of any nearby planet. Since the magnetic field of their home planet wasn't completely stable but contained resonance nodes, the collective reasoned that it would be possible to harness the solar wind against the magnetic waves, and create a vehicle that could steer by means of weight distribution.

All was going well with the prototype, and the entity chosen to test the craft was boosted into orbit. Jimius Drakian interfaced with its space suit (modified from normal use by the addition of a small metal 'hook' in the nether regions), released the grapples, and unfurled the sail...

.........Nebbian realised the problem

..... though windsurfing had died out centuries ealier, it was the premature death of kitesurfing centuries before that, that gave him the answer........ The demise of kitesurfing appeared to be related to oxygen starvation of the genital region caused by wearing short pantoline's made of genetically modified carbon wool derived from the Carbosheep, whose carbon fibre was considered the best in the universe because of it's wonderful tensile strength and flexibility to be woven into boardshorts,..... however, carbowool was not known for it's breathing qualities, which led to genetic atrophy of the genitals of those endowed to love kitesurfing, leaving the neanderthal genotype of the windsurfer to dominate for another 2 centuries until the windsurfer also demised for other reasons ...............

........ Nebbian's realisation was that no matter how evolved humans becanme that different tribes would continue to experience conflict and rejoice in each other's demise........

.......... Yes the millenia of drug abuse had finally taken it's toll on Poor Reli......... He became more delusional thinking he was no longer attracted to hardie, grandiose projections about old hasbeen windsurfers having wisdom, and auditory hallucinations that the mitochondria from the planet clitoris8 were after his tounge.........the lesson to be learnt........ Just say "No" to Drugs.......

...... He had hatched a brilliant idea...... he was going to kidnap either decrep or poor rellie and ask for a diaboloical ransom from the other....... He decided that the greatest pain could be effected by posting an impossible ransom.......... Initially he thought in monetary terms but that was post-modern, he thought of sexual favours, but since he had become a giant penis, this had lost his attraction......... He began to struggle with the concept "What could be a diabolocal Ransom?", ....... then he had it... He would ask for.......................... "Integrity!!"......... He then knew he had them, coz neither had a molecule of integrity between them...... he sat there relishing in delight, at the prospect of the psychological anguish this would cause......... Gleefulness Personified he became.......... Then a stark reality hit him, "How am I going to kidnap one of those f******s?"......... he needed a lure....

quote:

---

Originally posted by poor relative
So hardie busied himself aquiring a stacer runabout yacht, a number of cray pots and rubber suits for all to fit into and thus an evil plan began to unhatch...

---

How does something unhatch??? Just curious

R.L.N. as he liked to be called, realized to he needed to depose his former outer skin (still known as Poor Rellie, the nutless) and Decrepit, before he could inflict a severe form of erectile dysfunction on the rampantly erect Hardie.

Once these three nutcases, and the loosefingered elmo, were disposed of he would be able to rule the world.

His first step in world domination would involve getting the worlds meteorologists together to guarantee 18-25knot winds would blow consistently onto the shores of Western Australia ….