but how to raise such capital.

Hardie had an idea, porn "i've done it before" he said, "...and it didnt hurt that much"
Hardie quickly gathered a heap of dvd's together and scanned the scenes, hmmmmm age had not been kind to this now 6'3" flacid penis........."well it will have to be a kink then"

Savage thoughts of hardies ally and speed freak friend elmo sprang to his mind, and scary thoughts pf how to cure Elmos tickling fetish made Hardie blush and briefly he became all rigid.....but it passed

"Fk it" said hardie....."porns out"

What next for the agile member....

Perhaps grumple could in some way be involved in this evil sinister plot, that would free poor rellie from the evil clutches of decrep and finally reunite him with his long lost left testicle.

It would happen and hardie could do it but how........

Emily woke from her dream with a start.

"Gosh what a terrible nightmare, full of bouncy castles and spaceships."

She leant over and grabbed her pink Motorola V3 razor and phoned her best friend Shanayana.

They talked for hours about Shoes and shopping and their releationships with their respective boyfriends, Hansel and Dominico.

Dominico was European and looked a bit like Chuck Norris..

It was then she had an idea...

She put on her Armani sky blue sweater with pompoms and arranged with Shanayana to meet her at the time portal.

Once in the device there was NO GOING BACK.

As the pot descended through the centuries Emily and Shanayana wondered if they would miss Hansel and Dominico. But the only way to become human again would be through the time portal, back to 2005, way before cyborgs even existed.
And 'bump' they arrived back in '05. There was NO GOING BACK.


they jumped out of the timepot and headed straight for Myers..

"...and cut.." Said the producer.

God how she hated making predictable scifi films about cyborgs going back in time , getting frozen and then ending up back in the future.

"This is 2005 for god's sake" she though to herself and decided there and then to end this film and begin work on her real passion...Her musical..... entitled "Hats".
Sure, it wasnt as popular subject as that other musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber but she knew there were people out there with the same passion for hats that she had.
And she knew people wanted to hear about them in song and in dance and through romance.
"Goodbye Cyborgs" she said..

And sat next to her trusty typewriter to begin work on "Hats". She just hoped she could get Chuck Norris to play the lead...

lived One of the Universes great cosmic-cloud surfers Hardie the 303rd, descendant of the famous Hardie the 1st from the seabreeze forum that was disbanded in the year 2009 when it was discovered that Laurie was in fact Waveslave, and had had a sex change operation, and had married a Poor Relative who was later charged with Bigamy.......... But that is another story.......

At the MilkyWay Galaxy Championships of CosmicCloud Surfing the leading contenders in the speed division were SlowSpaceship with a Galactic record of 14,033 knots closely followed by Elmo 3303rd with the second highest speed of 13,969 knots.........and hardie (the 303rd) who was the upcoming star of the Cosmic-Cloud Surfing, had to withdraw because of a hyperspace accident where he catapulted doing 3.6 million revolutions, slightly straining his lower back, aparently a genetic weakness??........... However, Rumours suggest it was something completely different that kept him out.......

ground hog day....!

groundhog day had caused a tear in the time space continuem.......

the typwriter now kept spewing out reems of paper, with the words naked lunch written across them.

emily, bemused at the typewritters words reached behind the desk in search of an antique wooden box. just one more she thought to herself.....

"the box contained 3 small matom's from the planet zeig, approx 2 space years from emily's current location.

originally these grubs were used during galactic piece talks as translaters. during the last talks to end universal conflict 7 the president of blixglog (a rather smelly race)accidently sat one which had fallen off the table and onto his chair.

on sitting at his chair. the president inadvertantly used the matom as an Anema. the effects of this were that he underwent extreme hallucinogenic transformation and.....

ground hog day....!

groundhog day had caused a tear in the time space continuem.......

the typwriter now kept spewing out reems of paper, with the words naked lunch written across them.

emily, bemused at the typewritters words reached behind the desk in search of an antique wooden box. just one more she thought to herself.....

"the box contained 3 small matom's from the planet zeig, approx 2 space years from emily's current location.

originally these grubs were used during galactic piece talks as translaters. during the last talks to end universal conflict 7 the president of blixglog (a rather smelly race)accidently sat one which had fallen off the table and onto his chair.

on sitting at his chair. the president inadvertantly used the matom as an Anema. the effects of this were that he underwent extreme hallucinogenic transformation and.....

And as she typed, high above her, a small frozen fragment of bloody protein impinged upon the troposphere at a velocity of 5006,000 mps vaporising almost instantly. All that remained of the last vestage of Truewal was a short trail of ionised gas.

Emily typed on and as she typed, unbeknown to her in a star system 12 light years distant the Nebbian made their move to eliminate the last of the resistance in what had been a 25 year war of attrition. The last of the resistance, Decrep, Rellie and Grumps and a humanoid left testicle huddled in the bottom of a cray boat stolen from an impoverished giant penis. "Oooh this feels soo goood" said Decrep as he huddled in the close company of his abductors. "Yes it does doesn't it" agreed Rellie wishing he had the where-with-all to do as his limbic urges demanded.

Little did they know they had been targeted remotely from high above, identified as possibly hostile, and pre-emptively irradiated with an IROIDR (the Indigent Relative Oxytocin Inhibitor Disruptor Ray). Their frail human bodies had no defence and their limbic brains were flooded with the sex pleasure hormone. "Submit" came the Nebbian thought message. "We are your masters. All your waves are belong to us".

"Oooh submission sound nice" thought the trio in unison. "Yes, take us. W're anybodies" they thought and fell in a big writhing heap in the bottom of the boat. What happened next could only be related in violation of the posting rules so it must be left to your imagination, but it wasn't pretty....

............ As the silicone cray pot emerged Hardie the 303rd noticed a rattling sound, and some crimson coloured feelers....... Could this be the elusive western rocklobster that had not been seen in over 5,000 years............... His heart was hammering violently....... as he looked closely it was infact a western rocklobster........... 17 Quadrillion Euro Dollars later and he had finally nabbed one of the previously thought extinct species.......... It was difficult for him to breathe, his Limbic system had just saturated his neocortex with CRF and ACTH, causing epinephrine and norepinephrine to flood the blood stream with adrenalin............. It was not over yet though........... The dreaded size gauge had to be fitted............ His hands were shaking so much he had to ask Rellie to do the measuring.....Hardie couldn't look.............Rellie exclaimed "3mm undersize mate", and chucked the fckn thing overboard............. Hardie went into shock......... he handn't even had a chance to touch let alone give it a Rex, some strange term used to denote the lips of a human touching those of an aquatic creature............ hardie was devastated.........

editors note: Kn epic prose there Hardie. You've outdone yourself

"So put you little hand in mind, there ain't no valley mauuuountain we can't cliiiiiyyyyymb."
"Babe, (doodoo doodoo doodoo)"
"I got you babe."

Whilst on the planet Corro1, Hardie made the universes greatest discovery .... one must never leave home without a towel....

Decrep returns from his 7 week holiday in NZ and is totally blown away by what has been happening in his absence.

A voice whispers in his ear, you're going to need this mate, and a missing rocket launcher from 2007 solidifies in his hands.
Aware of a strange glowing giant crustacean he zaps it without thinking.
Towel-less Hardie on Corro1 feels the psychic resonance of the last lobsters death and emits a howl of anguish!

A new threat to the galaxy is thus born

....... Meanwhile, Hardie the 303rd, had worked out the "Lobster Enigma", the Irradiation which had occurred during the global warming period of the 20th and 21st centuries had turned the Western RockLobster into a Giant Crustacean, and the 3mm undersize was only a tiny a Larvae,.............. the pots had been too small for 5 Thousand years.....DOH!!..

......While Hardie was obsessing about the Western RockLobster menace was underfoot in the galaxy........

A ripple of loss was superimposed on the voodoo chop of the cosmic sentience field when the giant crustacean died, a ripple that went unnoticed by all but the most rigourously attentive of the sensate. That medium, Alan Jones, unable to capitalise on what was a matter of utter indifference to his jaded followers, non the less passed a notice to International Rescue.

Deep in the labirinthine bunkers beneath the London Boat Show, IR galvanised into action. "Thunderbird One ready" uttered the electronically mediated voice of Lieutennant Commander Virgil Tracy in the ear of his trilionaire philanthropist father. "Fueler away. Boarder away. Open silo roof". With that the Mens Shed gave a lurch, catching Ricardo Campello in mid jump. Just before he could launch into his event winning tripple forward into chachoo the ramp he was sliding up lurched to the side and left him totally elmoed...