Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Mick.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Brigid.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing
especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked
in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of band-aids and began putting a band-aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty band-aid box and shuffled and stumbled
his way to bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and
butt and Brigid staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?"
Paddy said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Brigid said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes,



but mostly...





it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

Gee Steve...
This is an awful joke mate

No offence Silviu, but you need to be "Australian" to understand our sense of humour sometimes mate.
And it was still just a joke, not a true story.

Cya and

Goodwinds

Steve McCormack

quote:

---

Originally posted by silviu

Gee Steve...
This is an awful joke mate

---

croc hunter jokes ... not cool if irony wins you will be killed by a stiray ... hold on is that irony

waht did the dyslexci bank robber say when he walked into the bank.
Hands in the air mother stickers this is a f*** up

what does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfreind?
Wipes his ass

how do u confuse a blonde?

Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner...

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

whats 22 inches long and makes women cry?
cot death

...my front rolls

Jake Jakespeare on the reason George Bush went to war.


NEW YORK - A public school teacher was arrested today at John F.
Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while
in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and
a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said
he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying
weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzalez said. "They desire solutions
by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of
absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer
to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3
sides to every triangle.'
"'When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, He would have
given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they
could not recall a more profound statement ever made by the president.

did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

he sold his soul to santa

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3 Kick Rule

A big city lawyer from Sydney went duck hunting in the bush in SWQ .

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the
other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing.


The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now
I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best litigation lawyers in
Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
settle disputes in Queensland. We settle small disagreements like this
with the "Three Kick Rule."


The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first
I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on, back
and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
lawyer .

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into
the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.


His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from
his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end
sent him face-first into fresh cow poop .

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his
feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, now it's my
turn."



[I love this part...]



The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

BEAR REMOVER

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. He looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, Then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they
stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said
"This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 120 times last year.

"The wife gave her husband healthy jab and said, "That's more than
twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib,
said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go ask him if it was with the same cow."


NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable
and he should eventually make a full recovery.