The Koala and the Little Lizard

A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past, looks up and says "Hey Koala! what are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

The koala looks down at him and says: "Fuuuu - k dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

Woof bloody woof

Far away in the tropical waters of Queensland, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."


A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.


While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail (the punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.


"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.


Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."


Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark,the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."


Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........."


(You're going to love this.....)


"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."

start frothing out on this joke


what do you call postman pat when he retires













































pat

I once met an insomniac,agnostic,dyslexic.


The poor bugger sat up all night pondering the existance of dog



That is your cue to groan....

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the
lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next
to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she
Had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's
go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these
breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my
butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you
heard someone coming.... that was me."

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles
weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says: "Turner Brown, Man, I thought you said, "Turn around

quote:

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Originally posted by Wineman



Pwet Wabbits

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers ...

" I don't weally fink my pet pyfon will give a phuk."

---

awesome

NELSON MANDELA


Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, Clutching a clip board and yelling, "YOU SIGN! YOU SIGN!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,

"YOU SIGN! YOU SIGN!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck Of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "YOU SIGN! YOU SIGN!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, raising his voice:

"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,

"YOU SIGN! YOU SIGN!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "LOOK, I DON'T WANT THESE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND? YOU MUST HAVE THE WRONG NAME! WHO DO YOU WANT TO GIVE THESE TO?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:










(It's a beauty)

(Wait for it)






(Get your best Chinese accent ready)


KEEP GOING!!










"You not Nissan Main Deala?"

Two horses were talking in the paddock after the race.
One horse says.
"I can't believe it. As soon as the gates went up I froze, must have been nerves."

The other horse says.
"Yeah , i've had that happen, try not to let it bother you."

With that a Greyhound walks past the two horses and overhearing their conversation offers some advice. He says.
"A Similar thing has happened to me ,you just got to try to relax before the race. Try taking your mind off it by thinking of something else."

The two horses stare at the dog for a moment and then the first horse says.
"F#ck me. A talking dog!"

LOVE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Hardie and Elmo were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Hardie suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Elmo promptly jumped in to save him.
He swam to the bottom and pulled Hardie out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Elmo's heroic act, she immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered him to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Elmo the news she said,
"Elmo, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Hardie, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Elmo replied,
"He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

NATAL CURRY CONTEST
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no Hope
for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this
slowly. For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is.
They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting
From America.

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry
Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all
that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
Wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from
all the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or>other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage.
Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
from the pitcher.
I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the
other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to **** myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.

CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3 - No Report.

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.

Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, 'Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious.'

'Well done, Roland,' says the teacher. 'Can anyone else try?

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, 'My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious.'

'Well done, Katie,' says the teacher. 'Anyone else?'

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, 'Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious.'

An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband,
"I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid"

quote:

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Originally posted by payno

start frothing out on this joke
what do you call postman pat when he retires

pat

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What do you call GreenPat when he fades?....