When Grandma Goes To Court

#65532;Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, “How much do you charge?”

Hooker replies, “It starts at $500 for a hand-job.”

The guy says, “$500 dollars?! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!”

The hooker says, “Do you see that Denny's on the corner?”

“Yes.”

“Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?”

“Yes.”

“And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?”

“Yes.”

“Well,” says the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.”

The guy says, “What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.”

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, “I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?”

The hooker replies, “$1,500.”

“I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!”

The hooker replies, “Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.”

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, “Sign me up.”

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, “How much for some pussy?”

The hooker says, “Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?”

“Damn!” the guy says, in awe, “You own the whole city?”
“No,” the hooker replies, “but I would if I had a pussy.”

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar.
He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
'Well,' replies Paul, 'You know that beautifulgirl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?'

'Yes,'replies Jeff with a laugh.

'Well,'says Paul, straightening up, 'I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.'

'That's great!' says Jeff, 'When are you going out?'

'I went to meet her this evening,' continues Paul, 'but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped 'it' to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show'.

'Sensible' says Jeff.

'So I get to her door,' says Paul, 'and I rang her doorbell.

She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw.'

'And what happened then?'

'I kicked her in the face.'

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night, all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes..
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back
home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask.
He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night
long.'
The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing
the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn' say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'
The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

surfinchick,

Cal said...

surfinchick said...

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

Had to be posted by a chick!

Expected response from a bloke!

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband
came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now
has company.
Boy: "Dark in here"
Man: "Yes it is"
Boy: "I have a baseball"
Man:"That's nice"
Boy:"Want to buy it"
Man:"No thanks"
Boy:"My dad's outside"
Man:"OK, how much?"
Boy:"$250"
In the next few weeks it happens again and the boy & mom's lover are in
the closet together......
Boy:"Dark in here"
Man:"Yes it is"
Boy:"I have a baseball glove"
Man:"How much?"
Boy:"$750"
Man:"Fine"
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and toss the baseball." The son says "I can't I sold them." The
father asks "How much did you sell it for?" The son says "1000" The father
says "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way
more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and have
you confess." They go to the church and the father alerts the priest and
makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says "Dark in here"
The priest says "Don't start that **** again"

Cal said...

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband
came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now
has company.
Boy: "Dark in here"
Man: "Yes it is"
Boy: "I have a baseball"
Man:"That's nice"
Boy:"Want to buy it"
Man:"No thanks"
Boy:"My dad's outside"
Man:"OK, how much?"
Boy:"$250"
In the next few weeks it happens again and the boy & mom's lover are in
the closet together......
Boy:"Dark in here"
Man:"Yes it is"
Boy:"I have a baseball glove"
Man:"How much?"
Boy:"$750"
Man:"Fine"
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and toss the baseball." The son says "I can't I sold them." The
father asks "How much did you sell it for?" The son says "1000" The father
says "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way
more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and have
you confess." They go to the church and the father alerts the priest and
makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says "Dark in here"
The priest says "Don't start that **** again"

hahahahhahahahahahahhhahahahahahahhhahahhahahahahahahahhahaha

It's bad enough when somebody laughs at their own jokes..... but to type lol and rofl after typing a joke WTF???
Was actually funnier than the jokes

I wasn't sure what that would look like, so I seached google images with "bulldog eating mayonnaise", and got this:

EEeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuwwwww...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight
around,
looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place
in his
sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
'Jesus is
watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and
froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head,
promised himself
a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on
and began
searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the
wires, clear as
a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shone
his light
around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to
rest on a
parrot.

Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot..

'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to
warn you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed . 'What kind of people would name a
bird
Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus!!'

You gotta love Australian thinking...





A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important
position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search
down to three people from different parts of the world. In an attempt to pick
one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within
24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.


The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying
on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side
facing the woman’s back. What is the man’s name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their
answers.

The first, from Canada, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."

The second, from New Zealand, says "My answer is that there is no
way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The third one, from Australia, says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it
down to two names.

It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."

The Australian got the job...

President Bush and VP Cheney are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'

So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?'

Bush says, 'We're planning WW III.'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Cheney says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big big t!ts.'

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big t!ts? Why kill a blonde with big t!ts?'

Cheney turns to Bush and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a sh!t about the 140 million Muslims.