I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up, and she said I have to stop w^nking!


When I asked why, she said 'Because I'm trying to examine you!'

How do you define confusion??




Fathers day in Whyalla

Have we had the 'Blonde jokes' yet?



Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking,

and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'

The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'



CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'



SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'



RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'



AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken'



KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'



BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'



IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'

She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'



FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde.

'They're watch dogs

Dave The Hen

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed.
'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'And what are you doing in my bedroom?'
The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'
Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family... You've got to send me back straight way.'
St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.
'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here ?'
'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'
'Never', replies Dave.
'Well just relax and let it happen'.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him ... Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've sh!t the bed!!'