A lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

So off the lady goes to get some "Nair".

At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

HA! Love it!

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wineman

Girls Diary

A Monday 2007
Saw John in the evening and he was acting really
strangely I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls
and I did turn up a bit late so I thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we
go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and
distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly
laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or
to what I was saying.
I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home. I wondered if he was going to
come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if
there was something the matter but he just half shook his
head and turned the television on.
After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going
upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that
I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort
of smile.
He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was
surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a
bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave
me, and that he had found someone else.
I cried myself to sleep....
.
.
.
.
.
.

Boys Diary

No wind for weeks. All red arrows. Wallabies lost to New Zealand.
Had Sex though.

---

A group of school teachers go out skinny dipping in a forest creek. While they're splashing about they hear a group of Boy Scouts approaching so they scramble for some clothes to cover themselves up. All but one of them grab something to cover their tits and crotches, but he simply calls a T-shirt over his face.

"My God, aren't you going to cover up" one of them hisses at the exposed man. To which he replies,"I don't know what you show in your classes, but I'm pretty sure that none of those boys will recognise my dick."



What you call those middle-aged ethnic recreational fishermen who invariably want to set up three fixed lines right in the middle of the easiest access point to the beach ie exactly where you want to launch your board from?

Hellas Anglers......

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too.

Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said... "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."

Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another...

As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!

Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"
"Yes, it is.... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long..."

On the subject of bartenders:

An Aussie, a Pom and an Irishman walk into a bar. The barman says "what's this, some sort of a joke?"

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money & guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed & ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, The convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes in to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife::

"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail & hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous............ If he gets angry, He'll kill us both............ Be strong honey, I love you!"

His wife responds:: "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, & asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

Why did the kiteboarder cross the road?

He had no choice, he was being dragged!

what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor???????????????????


























wheres my tractor?


lolrofl

WARNING offensive (very) content:


Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?

A: Gonnorhea




Q: Why did God create yeast infections?


A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating c**t
once in a while too.



Q. What's the difference between acne and Michael Jackson?


A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13
years old.

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so begged their dad for the clue.
"Well" the father said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes.


The little girl screams, "Don't eat it.... it's a f'n arsehole!!!!!!!!

Outback IT terms


LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.

LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys.

WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.

SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.

BYTE: What mozzies do.

MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.

CHIP: A bar snack.

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

MODEM: What you did to the lawns.

LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.

HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.

MOUSE: The small rodent that eat's the grain in the shed.

MAINFRAME: What hold's the shed up.

WEB: What spiders make.

WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.

SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go.

CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't go.

YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.

UPGRADE: A steep hill.

SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

USER: The neighbour who keep's borrowing things.

NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE: Where the washing end's up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

A man was working in a restaurant when two blondes walked in. They ordered a drink each and started chanting "21 days, 21 days".

After a bit more blondes walked in, ordered their drinks and joined in with the chant. "21 days, 21 days".

Then a whole group of blondes walked in, one was holding up a box which had a picture of elmo on it. They all started yelling and screaming and laughing, "21 days, 21 days"

Curiosity got the best of the man and he asked what the blondes were celebrating. One replied, "the box says 2-4years but we finished it in 21 days!"

I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "Piss off".
They said "come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."
Then I thought........****, I could win this.........

A wife tell her husband she is thinking about getting breast enlargement surgery.

Husband: Why do you want to do that?

Wife: So I can feel better about myself.

Husband: Instead of surgery try rubbing toilet paper between your breasts.

Wife: Why, that wont work.

Husband: Well it worked on your a#se

MYSPACE: A Must Read for All

EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ ALL OF THIS and HAVE CHILDREN READ IT TOO!

After tossing her books on the sofa, she decided to grab a snack and get on-line. She logged on under her screen name ByAngel213. She checked her Buddy List and saw GoTo123 was on. She sent him an instant message:

ByAngel213:
Hi. I'm glad you are on! I thought someone was following me home today. It was really weird!

GoTo123:
LOL You watch too much TV. Why would someone be following you?
Don't you live in a safe neighborhood?

ByAngel213:
Of course I do. LOL I guess it was my imagination cuz' I didn't see anybody when I looked out.

GoTo123:
Unless you gave your name out on-line. You haven't done that have you?

ByAngel213:
Of course not. I'm not stupid you know.

GoTo123:
Did you have a softball game after school today?

ByAngel213:
Yes and we won!!

GoTo123:
That's great! Who did you play?

ByAngel213:
We played the Hornets. LOL. Their uniforms are so gross! They look like bees. LOL

GoTo123:
What is your team called?

ByAngel213:
We are the Canton Cats. We have tiger paws on our uniforms. They are really cool.

GoTo1 23:
Did you pitch?

ByAngel213:
No I play second base. I got to go. My homework has to be done before my parents get home. I don't want them mad at me. Bye!

GoTo123:
Catch you later. Bye

Meanwhile.......GoTo123 went to the member menu and began to search for her profile. When it came up, he highlighted it and printed it out. He took out a pen and began to write down what he knew about Angel so far.

Her name: Shannon
Birthday: Jan. 3, 1985
Age: 13
State where she lived: North Carolina

Hobbies: softball, chorus, skating and going to the mall. Besides this information, he knew she lived in Canton because she had just told him. He knew she stayed by herself until 6:30 p.m. every afternoon until her parents came home from work. He knew she played softball on Thursday afternoons on the school team, and the team was named the Canton Cats. Her favorite number 7 was printed on her jersey. He knew she was in the eighth grade at the Canton Junior High School . She had told him all this in the conversations they had on- line. He had enough information to find her now.

Shannon didn't tell her parents about the incident on the way home from the ballpark that day. She didn't want them to make a scene and stop her from walking home from the softball games. Parents were always overreacti ng and hers were the worst. It made her wish she was not an only child. Maybe if she had brothers and sisters, her parents wouldn't be so overprotective.

By Thursday, Shannon had forgotten about the footsteps following her.

Her game was in full swing when suddenly she felt someone staring at her. It was then that the memory came back. She glanced up from her second base position to see a man watching her closely.

He was leaning against the fence behind first base and he smiled when she looked at him. He didn't look scary and she quickly dismissed the sudden fear she had felt.

After the game, he sat on a bleacher while she talked to the coach. She noticed his smile once again as she walked past him. He nodded and she smiled back. He noticed her name on the back of her shirt. He knew he had found her.

Quietly, he walked a safe distance behind her. It was only a few blocks to Shannon 's home, and once he saw where she lived he quickly returned to the park to get his car.

Now he had to wait. He decided to get a bite to eat until the time came to go to Shannon 's house. He drove to a fast food restaurant and sat there until time to make his move.

Shannon was in her room later that evening when she heard voices in the living room.

"Shannon, come here," her father called. He sounded upset and she couldn't imagine why. She went into the room to see the man from the ballpark sitting on the sofa.

"Sit down," her father began, "this man has just told us a most interesting story about you."

Shannon sat back. How could he tell her parents anything? She had never seen him before today!

"Do you know who I am, Shannon ?" the man asked.

"No," Shannon answered.

"I am a police officer and your online friend, GoTo123."

Shannon was stunned. "That's impossible! GoTo is a kid my age! He's 14. And he lives in Michigan !"

The man smiled. "I know I told you all that, but it wasn't true. You see, Shannon , there are people on-line who pretend to be kids; I was one of them. But while others do it to injure kids and hurt them, I belong to a group of parents who do it to protect kids from predators. I came here to find you to teach you how dangerous it is to talk to people on-line. You told me enough about yourself to make it easy for me to find you. You named the school you went to, the name of your ball team and the position you played. The number and name on your jersey just made finding you a breeze."

Shannon was stunned. "You mean you don't live in Michigan ?"

He laughed. "No, I live in Raleigh . It made you feel safe to think I was so far away, didn't it?"

She nodded.

"I had a friend whose daughter was like you. Only she wasn't as lucky. The guy found her and murdered her while she was home alone. Kids are taught not to tell anyone when they are alone, yet they do it all the time on-line. The wrong people trick you into giving out information a little here and there on-line. Before you know it, you have told them enough for them to find you without even realizing you have done it. I hope you've learned a lesson from this and won't do it again. Tell others about this so they will be safe too?"

"It's a promise!"

That night Shannon and her Dad and Mom all knelt down together and thanked God for protecting Shannon from what could have been a tragic situation.

*****NOW****

EVEN FORWARD THIS TO PEOPLE WITHOUT KIDS SO THEY CAN SEND IT TO FRIENDS THAT DO HAVE CHILDREN OR GRANDCHILDREN