A family of Collingwood supporters heads out one Saturday morning to do their Christmas shoplifting.



While in Rebel Sports the son picks up an Geelong footy jumper and says to his 10 year old sister,

"Hey mole, I've decided to become an Geelong supporter and I want this for Christmas."



His sister, outraged by this, promptly wacks him around the head with her carton of Winfield's and says,

"**** head, go talk to mum."



Off goes the little lad with the Geelong jumper stuffed up his miller shirt and finds his mum.



"Mum?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an Geelong supporter and I want this jumper for Christmas."



The mother is outraged at this and throws her moccasins and a full stubbie of VB at him,

smacks him in the gob and says "Let's go talk to your father!"



Off they go to the prison camp during visiting hours, with footy jumper in hand and find Moose, his toothless tattooed father.



"Dad?"

"Yes, Knackers?"

"I've decided I'm going to be a Geelong supporter and I want this jumper for Christmas."



Moose goes berserk and gives his son an almighty backhander and says, "No bastard of mine is ever

going to be seen wearing that ****!" and then kicks his arse from one end of the rec-room to the other, just for good measure.



About half an hour later they're all back in the old Commodore and heading towards home.

The mother turns to her son and says, "Knackers, have you learned something today?"



The son says "****, I bloody well have!"



"Good Knackers, what is it?"



The son replies, "I've only been an Geelong supporter for an hour, and already I hate you Collingwood pricks."

what's an australian kiss? same as a french kiss except "down under".

How do you get a fat girl to bed?

Piece a cake

Delete you favourite poticians (is this an oxymoron?) as required.

<Howard and Costello> / <Rudd and Gillard> were campaigning in western Queensland. To make sure that they blended with the locals, they donned their best RM Williams boots, jackie how singlets and akubra hats.

However <Johnnie>/<Kevvie> really wanted to make a good impression with the locals, and knowing that the blue heeler cattle dog is favoured in Western Qld, borrowed a blue heeler for some serious campaigning.

Being a Saturday and knowing that the pub was the focal point of the town, they decided to get to know the locals and press the flesh at the local pub.

So they set up in the public bar of the pub right on 10.00 am opening, with a couple of pots of XXXX in front of them and the cattle dog at their feet.

After a while, a hardened local walks into the bar, straight over to the cattle dog, lifts it tail, inspects its arsehole, shakes his head, mumbles "lying bastard" and stumbles out of the pub.

<Johnie and Pete>/<Kevvie and Julia> both thought this was a bit strange but continued their quiet drink on their own. Soon another local local came in, lifted the dogs tail, had a good squiz at its bum and walked out.

By the time it was Johnie's/Kevvie's shout, five different blokes and one sheila had all inspected the dog's bum and walked out in disgust.

Eventually, <Johnnie/Kevvie> couldn't stand it any more. When the next fella wandered in and lifted the dog's tail, he called out "Hey mate, what are all you blokes doing gazing up this here cattle dogs bum?"

The sunburnt cow cocky dropped the dogs tail, stood up and replied "me mate down the road told me that there was a blue heeler with two arseh*les in the public bar and I just had to see it for myself"

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as
he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white Robe.

'Who the hell are you?' demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my
bedroom?' The mysterious man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm
St Peter.' Dave was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have
so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. You've got to
send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen.' Dave was devastated, but
knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent
back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around
pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this
strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled
over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first
day here?'

'It's not so bad' replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode.' 'You're ovulating' explained the rooster,
'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.' 'Never' replies
Dave.'Well just relax and let it happen'

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg plops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming

and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...

'Dave, wake up you drunken bast*rd, you've sh1t the bed!!

A journalist interviews Sir Paul McCartney: "So, Sir Paul, do you think that you will ever go down on one knee again?" Sir Paul replies: "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather."

An elderly couple are attending church service. About half way through the she leans over and says, "I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?" Her husband replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?'

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.'

Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: 'Same illness, but he's with MBF'

You forgot to add the guy from Swan p!ssed in his glass under the table, held it aloft and exlaimed "Aahhh I never get sick of the taste of Export! Your all a buncha pooofters!!!"

Nice one Mark

For Christmas, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, "Son, we'd give you one,

But the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job.

There's no way we can afford it.

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Joseph told him;

I was walking past your room last night and I heard you telling mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be darned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage

and no bike!

xtreme1 said...

MYSPACE: A Must Read for All

EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ ALL OF THIS and HAVE CHILDREN READ IT TOO!


EVEN FORWARD THIS TO PEOPLE WITHOUT KIDS SO THEY CAN SEND IT TO FRIENDS THAT DO HAVE CHILDREN OR GRANDCHILDREN

I don't think this is a joke Xtreme. All the others I laugh so much but this one did me in. I haven't slept since.

q. where do hundreds and thousands come from?
a. smarty poos

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a café when a American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum
and said, "You Australian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to
Australia." The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?" Sighing the Australian replied "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the
States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia."

The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the states?" The American smiled and said, “Why of course we do."
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away of course." Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"